The other night I woke up from a nightmare. It was about my childhood and college trauma and triggered my PTSD. I woke up confused - I wasn't sure I was awake - and I couldn't catch my breath.

After I realized I was awake my anxiety came flooding back. All the symptoms of how my anxiety presents itself were there. I haven't had this bad of an attack in years. I started taking Xanax every few hours shortly after it started to help get me through.

I almost called my pdoc because I wasn't "feeling safe" (pdoc's way of asking if I'm suicidal), but I feared she would put me in the hospital. I thought about going to my nephew's birthday party this past weekend and going to NYC for my niece and nephew's first holy communion this weekend, and I didn't want to miss either event. So I realized that, while there was a part of me that didn't feel safe, I wan't going to do anything drastic. I feel like sh**, but I haven't done any self injury.

This life SUCKS!!! But for loving my nieces and nephews so deeply, I don't know where I would be. I worry that at some point none of this will matter. It's happened before.