Saw the psychiatrist on Monday. It was not a happy session. I'm realizing that he is not a therapist even though he keeps trying to be. I'm frustrated, angry, disappointed, upset, hurt. Pick one. I started zoning out during the session because it was getting painful. I just feel like I have no control. He overextends himself and then complains about it. For example, he said how overwhelmed he was and how many emails I send and how he can't read them or take them in. But if I apologize, he takes that back partly by saying I should still email him. I didn't apologize this session so he didn't take it back. I felt so bad - like I had done something wrong. He set the tone for this relationship and now he's running from it. I feel like he's trying to change the rules without actually changing the rules. I'm afraid - I believe - it's all my fault. That I've behaved inappropriately. That I have the wrong expectations (where did them come from). That I was wrong all the time about him caring. He constantly pursues other ideas outside medicine because he doesn't like medicine as a solution - but this last session he said that I was asking to much from a medicine guy. Next thing you know he's back to talking about cerebellum exercises and building routines, etc. I don't want to hear that I'm to blame, but I think I am. I don't want to hear him criticized, although I'm mad at him and thinking bad thoughts about him. I'm so messed up. There is no right answer. I feel like I ruined everything. But it's too late - I'm addicted or maybe better word attached. I have too many feelings and I don't know what to do about them and I don't know which ones are right or valid and which should be squelched and overcome somehow. I keep crying because I feel like I've lost him - that he's turning away - abandoning me. I feel like I don't have any outlets now - no one to talk to - no one that knows and cares.