((Jane)),

This is a long post, but has lot of important messages in it that I feel are
key to helping you Jane, but others that struggle with complex PTSD too.

It is always a risk when we open ourselves up to others, it is like that for everyone. I opened up and was very hurt, I thought someone was a nice person and a friend and I learned she was neither, the thing with her was she was the kind of person who made friends with people that had things she wanted and could use, her philosophy was, why buy something when you can make friends with someone who has one and get to it that way. I will never forget how she was saying that to her daughter, teaching her to imo be a user as how to get through life. Well, I was raised very differently, I was raised that if you wanted something someone else had, find a way to get your own and respect that person's possessions as theirs.

The root of my PTSD is that while I was taught to respect others and their possessions, and that imprinted in my mind deeply, I learned many times in my life that others did not respect "my space and possessions". I also experienced creating something and when I did, it became something others wanted and tried to take. Honesty was also another constant message my parents imprinted in me over and over too. My triggers all go to when others, are not honest, disrespect me or my things and boundaries, and how others don't "listen" or genuinely "care" about anyone but themselves.

What is important when you have PTSD is to find your "core" messages that were imprinted in you and recognize that the triggers and anxiety you struggle with comes from these "core" imprinted messages. Jane, when I listen to different members who struggle with PTSD that goes back to their childhood, the complex PTSD, the constant core challenge that I see is how different people were imprinted with messages that they didn't have enough value. That is what I see in you Jane and you need to understand on a very deep level that it is not your fault and from what I have heard of how you struggle, it was your mothers fault and lack, not yours. Your sister has the same problem with your mother. IMHO, this is your main challenge and every time you are around what you consider a woman in authority, you get triggered and your core is telling you that if you don't do whatever this person considers is "important" you will be judged poorly and emotionally punished in some way. Every time you tell me that you are not worthy of my caring and reaching out to you, you are showing me what your mother kept imprinting in you that you grew to believe about yourself.

What you need is someone to help you finally develop some very deep "new" core messages that are more positive to help you finally "correct" that. And Jane, you need to start with developing a part of yourself that also does that for yourself. This is where the "patience and self care" comes into playing a significant role in finally "healing". Now, Jane, what this means is that you need to pay attention to how you react when someone is trying to reach out to you and "genuinely wants to help you and does care and understand".

What PTSD does is "magnify the negative" and what the constant messages PTSD often presents is, "I am inconvenient, I mess everything up, if something happens bad it is my fault, if I can't do something it is because I am unworthy, the only thing I can do is lay low and try to not be seen because that is safe for me, if someone sees me it is only when I fail somehow to meet up to their needs, if I fail to meet up to the needs of others even when I try very hard there must be something unworthy in me, and I do not deserve to have anyone be nice to me and actually be ok with the things I do and like". That is what I have noticed about your core messages, but not only "you" Jane, but many of the other members that come to this forum struggling. And I think that is very sad, because every time I read these messages, I really grieve for that "child" that I really see most of all. I grieve because of how these challenging messages were imprinted in you and others through no fault of their own.

Jane, that is what a good therapist is supposed to help with too. And the fact that you struggled and needed to reach out to your T and it was just not there for you, only made you struggle more. But ((Jane)), it isn't just "you" that struggles when that happens. Many people develop a kind of "transference" with their therapists, but all that really means is that person finally found something that is genuinely "helping" them that is there for the first time for them. All this Borderline Personality challenge that can get a bad rap, all that is really, is the same kind of challenge. Even narcissism is often routed in the same childhood challenges where if the "nurturer" isn't there in the right way, the child begins to fill that need by other unhealthy ways of gaining attention and permission, but the problem with that is the one thing that is missing is the capacity for these children to really be able to "love" others and experience genuine "empathy" and respect for others.

Jane, one of the things I loved about what I did in working with very young children is it was not the riding at all, instead it was helping them find that little thing they needed to have and learn about themselves and feel good about, which is the proper early development of "self esteem". The most important and rewarding thing to me was not so much how well they rode or how quickly they learned to ride my pony. My goal was to have each child walk away from me feeling good about what they achieved that day, feeling good that even though they were somewhat afraid or doubted, they discovered they could get past that and actually gain a new skill. That is what you want for your son, isn't it? He is a good little boy and he has healthy self esteem Jane, who do you think is responsible for that? Jane, you are!! So you "do" know what is important in nurturing Jane, you "are" a good mother and you are so much better than your mother was. Jane, you are such a "worthy person", a person who can do that is so valuable and it doesn't matter what else is there either, it doesn't matter if you live in a mansion or drive a Mercedes or have some hot guy as a husband and all of what is considered the "ideal", because the "ONLY" thing that "REALLY" matters in what you "are" doing for your child Jane.

Unfortunately, what parents often do "wrong" is they are often all about "image" Jane, and keeping up with some kind of "ideal", and they don't realize what their chasing is actually "hurting" their children. When your mother comes to visit you and you get all stressed out, and you feel hurt because she needs to insist you have dishes "she" feels is so important to have, THAT IS A CRAPPY MOTHER. However, that was something that was somehow imprinted in her, and it sounds to me like your mother is on the narcissistic side.

When someone struggles with PTSD, with this kind of core issue, they can become very self absorbed Jane, often they are mistaken for being narcissistic, however, that is not the case. What is really taking place is that these struggling individuals have been exposed to and hurt by narcissists and are very confused. I see that in "you" and I also have seen that in Mowtown and others who are struggling here in these forums. And the one thing most of these people feel threatened by is "authority type figures" they come across that trigger them badly when they have PTSD.

Now, one beautiful thing I noticed is how MowtownJohnny came to your support. That really shows me that he is gaining and healing and doing better and it makes my heart sing, it makes my heart sing the same way it sang with my students that I taught, and even the ponies that I trained that learned how to be good ponies and "enjoyed it".

Jane, a good therapist is a person who sits with a patient and "LISTENS" and helps that patient feel safe to open up and talk. As the patient does that, the therapist needs to be able to see that "core challenge" in that patient, and it is always there Jane, with complex PTSD and what they call Borderline Personality Disorder, and Adjustment disorder, and often many who suffer from depression, or/and anxiety and even Avoidant Personality disorder. And the "sad" thing to me is that when these individuals get labeled, they start to think about that label as the "label of their unworthiness". The problem with PTSD, is what it really means is that someone has an injury but it doesn't mean that person is bad or crazy or undeserving. However, that is how they feel, they are deeply hurt and struggle with "troubling emotions" that stem back to bad "imprinting" that is not their fault Jane.

Jane, what you are mourning has nothing to do with "you failing" at all, what it means is how others failed you, and that goes way back for you Jane. There was nothing wrong with what you wanted in a marriage relationship at all. You did give your love and devotion, but you were treated badly and not appreciated and that was "wrong". However, your core imprinting, which is not your fault, is telling you that something failed somehow because "you did something wrong or you were not good enough or strong enough or was not capable of suppressing your needs enough, that is wrong ((Jane)). You know Jane, this woman your husband married is "nice" right? But Jane, what that means is she is "giving in her needs to please your husband" and he is now
well enough so he is not demanding her to give more than she is capable of giving. You were right in leaving him, because that relationship was never going to be "healthy" for you Jane. Once a partner gets to a point where they punish their partner the way you were punished because of "their deep subconscious skeletons", that becomes a habit and becomes "abuse" and is "unhealthy". You need to be careful of what you see in that picture you are looking at when you see that marriage and the other people who are married and what "you wanted for yourself" that did not happen and you are now grieving. That is a challenge for women especially because of their deep programming to be "nurturers" Jane. Many women will stay in a bad relationship because they think they need to somehow "nurture the entire relationship into becoming healthier somehow". Well, that is "not" what is really supposed to be "all" the woman's responsibility. You did the right thing by walking away (((Jane))).

((Jane)), what I really respect about you is that you actually "are" strong in spite of the bad imprinting you have gotten. I am doing my best to "support you so you see that and keep moving forward, yet at the same time also finally heal too".

Yes, you are right, I am very challenged myself. I am challenged because what I had and worked so hard to accomplish was disrespected and badly damaged. And when I broke, I was misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and people where actually "mean" to me when I genuinely deserved "help".

Unfortunately, there are "professionals" out there that can identify different disorders or think they can by observing a patients behavior patterns, but they are not always right and often they do not really know what is genuinely needed by the patient. And what I have noticed about the professionals that I reached out to is that often they have troubling core issues themselves that they don't recognize.

I have talked about my experience with a "professional child psychologist who was also a college professor" that came to my farm. I did not know what she was, but only that she was some kind of doctor. I observed her with her grandchild and I watched her not get "what she wanted" from that child. I let her be in control Jane because she gave off that essence of "self important and knowledgeable" that is because of my "core respect factor". Well, after a while she got very discouraged and asked "me" to take over. I stopped the pony and engaged the child and my entire method was "what does that child like and want". Well, most little girls want to be a princess, that is pretty much simple basic fact. So, if that is what this child wants, THAT IS WHAT TO BUILD ON. I never had to "give orders like that professional did" Jane. I know the attention span of a child that age, so I already expect her to pay attention and then get distracted. Well, I am not going to punish any child that is just being a normal child, no one should do that, but surprisingly too many do. Well, this little child wanted to be a princess, "her want", so we learned how to sit like a princess and how important that is because if we sit like that we are doing "princess" things. Then I walked around and when this little child began to get distracted as any normal child, all I had to do is remind her to be the princess that "she wants to be", I never once had to give her "orders" Jane. That day that "professional" learned something VERY IMPORTANT. And she was so impressed that she told me I had a big gift, and that is finally when I learned what kind of "doctor" she was Jane. I am not saying this to say I am "superior" in some way either. However, it has really surprised me what "basics, or what I feel are basics" are missed by "authority figures and professionals".

Another time I reached out for help, I went to see a husband and wife team. I talked about what I did, how I work with children, what so many parents miss that is harmful to their children that they don't realize. One day I went in for therapy and the wife psychologist I was seeing was not there, her husband called me into his office and asked me to sit down. He told me that his wife and him have talked a lot together about all that I had been saying to his wife and his wife is taking a leave of absence from her practice and is going to spend more time with their children. He thanked me and told me I was gifted and that I should seriously consider becoming a psychologist. Well Jane, it was a really nice compliment, but I did not go to see these people to "help them", I went to get help myself and I paid them while I was helping them and all I left with is a compliment, and an offer of a prescription of valium if I needed help with my anxiety.

I have to say that I do have a problem that way tbh. I do help others and people appreciate that, but I have a hard time asking for help with "my" challenges. That is part of my own deep imprinting challenge that I am trying to "mourn and heal from" myself. I do love helping people, it has brought me joy and fulfillment, however, unfortunately, I had a hard time getting "help for myself".

Well, when I broke, I was misdiagnosed, and a lot of people were mad at me. I could see "them" and it helped them, but unfortunately, they could not see me. I am lucky that I finally found a "therapist" that is "seeing me" and he is not perfect, but he is helping and he does know how to listen and validate. And he is willing to look at my "core" with me and validate it and help me with "my deep hurts".

Yes, I have PTSD and I do know the way it can pull a person into feeling "unworthy" somehow. I have that too Jane, but I have that because of how I did serve as a punching bag for other peoples subconscious skeletons, but also "brain challenges" that they could not help. As I mentioned, my husband suffers from compulsive ADHD and dyslexia. He "is" a good person, but his problems were very hard on me and I wish that when I reached out for help, there was someone there that could help me understand that better. I also grew up with an older brother that had that too and he was not helped but instead constantly punished. I saw a lot of bad things happen to him and I always new it was wrong too. I felt sorry for him, however I also feared him too. I was his "only" friend for a long time. I even dressed up like a boy and stood by him when the kids in the neighborhood came to bully and threaten him too. I didn't want him to be "alone" I acted like a tough boy that was more than willing to fight if I had to. But inside I was scared yet I felt, and knew, that my brother's need was greater than mine. I was just a little girl that day too. But when everyone else insisted my brother could not be helped and the only answer was disciplining him and punishing him and that he was incapable of paying attention. I did not believe that and I decided to become his friend and I did learn that he could pay attention and be good, you just had to know "how he needs to be treated and be allowed to express himself". I did have to run from him sometimes because he was bullied and treated so badly that he would have a build up of anger and though I was his friend, he also could lash out at me and even hurt me because of his need to expel his anger at someone. I was the only one that was there.

The big reason that I struggled with in having my PTSD be a part of my case is that I was misdiagnosed, but also that I did not want things I shared about others around me that were very troubled. I don't want that made public, and it's because I don't want these people TO BE HURT FOR SOMETHING THEY COULD NOT HELP. I know that this past in me will be misunderstood, because it was always misunderstood and it is not fair to these people, it was never fair to them either.

((Jane)), I see your "hurts" and from the bottom of my heart I know they are not your fault and that even though you are/were hurt, you are so worthy and you are a good person and a good mother. You do deserve to "heal and get the right support" you really do, because when you heal, you will have something "good" to offer others eventually, something there is so little of too. A test score is not as important as you think, this woman authority figure is something you need to learn how to no longer see as some kind of threat to you and that "will" come. How people like that trigger you is what you "deserve" to finally heal from because you can share that with others and your son too. That is really the "ideal" Jane, that is more important than the original picture you wanted that didn't seem to work, that really was never your fault at all. What all these emotions are really meant to be is to drive us to learning and then helping others in positive ways and that is the "gift" that pays forward more than anything else that is meant to ensure our survival as a species.


((Hugs from the heart)))
OE