OMG - you really have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I wish I could lift some of that away - but all I can do is offer you my moral support. I will suggest however, that the dawn follows the darkest of nights. If you were to hear of some of my worst nightmares, where I barely escaped suicide, then you would understand why I strongly advise anyone who is in your state of deep emotional crisis, to hang in there. It does get better, because somehow, good luck follows bad. You're in my prayers.