there isn't much I need to try and remember about this session either. I really wanted to talk to her so bad but it just was not going to happen. I remember this desperation from the past . wanting so badly to tell her what was going on, how scared I was again. so much was running in my head and then I would completely check out. she would keep making a noise like creaking her chair or clearing her voice. it made me jump out of my skin but at least I felt she was there for better or worse. she asked me what was on my mind and I wanted to scream but at the same time I was relieved that she at least saw me at that point I resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to be able to talk today and it had to be ok. she asked again if I wanted to try and talk about what I am finding so hard to say. her saying that simple thing made a world of difference .isn't that pathetic. I knew I was not going to be able to say anything but I felt at least she was there. I couldn't really respond much but I asked her if she was going to be there next week. she said of course she was and wanted to know why I asked. I could only say that maybe next week will be better. she said that she wished that I wouldn't leave being so frustrated, then she corrected herself saying that she was not sure what was going on but she wanted to be able to help me get to the bottom of it if at all possible . at that I seemed to break some and I felt so horrible that I just couldn't open up but I was able to say again maybe next week will be better.

I don't know how but maybe it will.