I think there is a place within Christianity for acknowledging mistakes without shame.

The shame is about feeling bad. It gets in the way of actually healing the pain.

Pkwife, you have more than acknowledged your mistakes. And more than paid for them. Already. So please ... don't question your goodness (it sounds like you are not) and don't spend any more time beating yourself up (you have already shared fully, here and with your husband).

About the "pastoral" response: is not right to use the excuse of "honesty" to disguise harshness.

There is nothing healing about saying that one's husband would be justified in leaving, etc. That's his decision, not "support" for someone in pain. The decisions we and our partners make will happen outside of this place ... but this needs to be a safe sanctuary. I am new here, but am not new to the concept of emotional safety. Christianity is about forgiveness and right living, not judgment.

Your brother is not a bad person. He was lonely, scared, and too weak to keep the moral high road. It was wrong for him to take advantage of you, but he did not do it to hurt you. He did it because he was weak and not being honest with himself. And because he genuinely cared about all of you. That was real - even if the romantic feelings got mixed in later.

In time he will figure out how badly he treated you. But in the meantime ... he was a human being. He screwed up, and hurt you, your husband, and himself.

The hardest is when someone vanishes into the night. We want some kind of resolution. An apology. An acknowledgment.

If it were me, I would write a letter to him expressing your anger and confusion. What the relationship really meant to you, and why you were sad that it's over. Let yourself say anything. Don't send the letter. Just write it. Cry your tears.

Let yourself hear him (his higher self) apologize for his mistakes. His selfishness. His stupidity. Whatever you need to hear so that you can accept the loss and move on.

Then destroy it, let it go. Keep the memories of everything that was real (he really did save your life, was close to everyone in your family). Let go of the rest.

Love and peace -
Ocean_Jade