I'm sorry to hear you hit a brick wall of mistrust, simply because you're a psychologist, too. You must keep trying! It's not just about knowledge...it is often from conversations with others that we often can open up the gateways to understanding. Even just the back and forth can really help you hone in on what you really need.

I dated a guy who I became "addicted" to as well, despite him not treating me well anymore. I was only able to finally quit and not go back when I found out that he had attempted to cheat on me, and also by not having ANY contact with him at that point. None - zip - nada. Is there any way you can move to another location, even if it's nearby, just to change your surroundings? Changing your surroundings in some way can really help break a "habit", which it sounds like he definitely is.

You are also really stuck on what he used to be like, not what he is. The truth is, you don't know what he used to be like. Yeah he treated you wonderfully - but only when he couldn't have you completely. He couldn't have loved you in a truly healthy sense if the only time he was really wonderful towards you was when he was needing to compete with other men for your attention. You can't do anything about your actions during that time - people do things like that, and, well, at least you were honest. Obviously you have learned from it, which is what matters now. In this case, take the blame focus off of yourself and try to face the fact that this man was never devoted to you in the true sense - for who you are, without needing to know that you're wanted by other men in order to have you. Whether he realized it or not, he didn't really want you, as you are, to love him unconditionally. He clearly doesn't have a healthy handle on love and commitment. However, you also were able to prove that you are able to be committed to him, which is great...but it does seem like you swing too much to the submissive side in those cases...

There's a lot to discuss here, more than I can help with right now, and I'm not a therapist anyway. But it sounds like you're realizing a very strong trend in yourself - to be with narcissists. You didn't get enough attention/love from your mother when you were younger, so there's a void there that you're trying to fill, and your "image" of love is skewed because it's what you grew up with, albeit unhealthily. I'm sure you know all of this, but sometimes it helps to hear someone else remind you about it. Just FYI, I'm around your age and have a similar issue; not narcissism, but lacking attention from my mother when I was young and subsequently dating similarly emotionally inaccessible people as an adult. Yeah, it's rough. When I finally found the one person I thought I could spend the rest of my life with and love unconditionally, I screwed it up because of my own jealousy/trust issues.

Maybe none of this is helpful for you, but please do know that you're not alone in dealing with these types of issues and feeling that pain of loss or that craving for unconditional love. If you can somehow distance yourself from this guy, I really think it would save you in the long run. Having been addicted to someone before myself - I know - it can seem impossible, but it feels SO much better and more freeing when you are over them!!! He has not treated you with respect or valued your love and therefore doesn't deserve continued love from you, especially since it is not reciprocated. Good luck! *hugs*