I chose the name hellion because a band I like has a song called that....but perhaps it implies a kind of 'bad ***' persona. Well I am not a bad ***, I suffer panic attacks from PTSD and end up laying in my bed paralized with fear thinking i am re-living the crap. Whenever I go out I am worried about people mocking me or trying to take advantage....I don't trust anyone. So yeah in some ways I am like a scared little kid...but in other ways I want to live my life, I want to experience things, learn life lessons and essentially live a life. I mean yes I am on the autism spectrum it makes it hard to interact with people appropriately...but this does not mean I want to be alone or I hate people, its just hard for me to connect with a lot of people. I mean currently I am probably facing homelessness, I am really trying to live at my moms place but our lifestyles conflict. I mean to be quite honest any friends I meet would likely not be welcome at my moms house....and it upsets me because I want to meet people but I hate the burdon of 'oh I live at my moms and she gets pissed at normal activities young adults might induldge in' but I cannot live in a little square box and pretendI don't want to live life like she wants....i want to live life, want to try to be safe about it but dont know what that is. my mom got married at 16 then she would still probably get on me for hanging out with a dude overnight...well sorry but she got married to a 25 year old at 16 and she wants to try to tell me what age group to hang with...well quite honestly I have been attracted to older guys and there I said it...but who the **** cares I am 24 if I wanna be flirty with an older dude what the **** ever...I just hate being treated like a ****ing kid. I am 24 I want to make some of my own mistakes and learn from them not be so cautious I never experience anything which seems to be what my mom wants.

So basically I am afraid of myself, I know sometimes I do stupid things when I feel self destructive.....but good god how does one not get fed up in this society? I mean recently I had a bit of a freak out and got a ride home from the cops, it was suprising because they did not antagonize me....just said due to the fact I had been outside yelling like a dumbass they would either have to take me home or to detox so I chose home.....but they where cool didn't antagonize anything and just said I should probably get some sleep. I admit I was lucky they could have been asshole cops but luckily they seemed to understand I was just f****d up and didn't actually want to cause any harm to anything so it seemed more like they helped me get home a
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nd what not. I do admit I was pretty afraid when they pulled up thought I'd for sure get arrested. basically it seems society ignores problems they get worse and no one wants to do anything. I mean I admit I am afraid to, but people need to take back this country, the constitution actuallly meant something at one point in history and I wish it still stood today. Perhaps I am a conservative in this sense, but yeah ****ing **** happened and after that the u.s should hav started promoting cannabis. I mean tell me I am an idealist, but ****ing hemp is a very versitlioe resource...it can be used to make paper, plastic like packaging, health products like hemp shampoo and soap which is actuay amazing on skin, Imean if you wash yourself with that it feels quite nice like getting all the toxins out

But I get angry at this anti-cannabis culture...I mean I get some people get carried away and some are just total dumbasses. But a lot of stoners I have met are quite intelligent and just like to smoke weed a lot just like I do. So yeah If i was totally against that sort of crowd I would not hang around. But last I was at the bar I did end up talking to someone and got their number if they want to chill. But yeah I know nothing about them so I will be cafefull when i hang out in person.

But yeah I try to take care of myself but sometimes I just want to get f*****d up and forget about it, and basically my family does not understadnd that....this is why I am a pothead, I need something to help me mellow out and weed does it for me...maybe that makes me an addict I don't know all I know is it chills out my PTSD symptoms which is a good thing. I mean have you ever felt like you need to kill people because of how you fill? Not judging as I have felt that way myself but **** man the way I see it is society sets some of these incidents up and then tries to blame it all on the mentally ill. Well I have been struggling with mental illness and to dismiss the issues people have is just cruel. I mean people have been abused, put through terrible things and can't control their emotional response, and some psych wards ignore this which is very unfortunate as people might have treatments that arent actually in their best interest.