OE just about everything you say resonates with me and is a fair assessment of some of the reasons for why I struggle and for some of the work that I and my therapist need to do. As well as process lots of major trauma also....not going to be quick huh?

My therapist is good, and actually in the past has been able to be there for me when I have asked for extra help, and also he has gone the extra mile without me having to ask just because I let it slip it was a major anniversary for me and he felt that I deserved, in his words, far more kindness at this time than I had ever had. He responded to my 2nd email also which I did not expect. I think he cares, but I struggle to accept it as genuine, but am trying. He is definitely focused on getting me to be more compassionate with myself.

Anyway, thanks again OE I feel I haven't given justice to your generously long post, but I do appreciate it all, I heard what you have to say.