Hi there everyone. I’m sorry this is a long thread. I haven’t been on a forum for years and have decided it’s time to give it another shot. I don’t want to internalise and beat myself up about this anymore. At the moment, I would really like to hear experiences from others who might be able to relate and understand. Please don't hesitate to comment and tell me your own story.

My last hypomania episode was 8 months ago and wasn’t good. During an episode, I can alternate between irritability and elation, and it seems that each time, the irritability side is becoming worse and more out of control.

I've just gone through a few months of severe depression/isolating myself (including a trip to hospital) and have started ‘coming up’ from it over the past few weeks. It was amazing at first with the amount of self-confidence I had, even if I did make a fool of myself at some work events.... but then I became a monster.

Firstly, I tried to throw my husband out a week ago when nothing had happened to cause it. I told him how much I hate him, said so many horrible and untrue things about him that I somehow believed at the time. I broke his belongings, threw my wedding rings at him and refused to wear them, I wouldn’t let him near me for days without lashing out/trying to hurt him, and apparently even said things like that I would cheat on him so that he will leave (Which I would NEVER say or do in my right mind!)! None of this is the real me. He is (thankfully) very patient, loving, and understanding that I do not mean what I say. (I have apologised profusely to him since – and to the rest of my family who copped it).

When I am myself, I am described as a warm, loving person. No one would know I struggle how I do. I'm sensitive and have a real heart for people and love animals. But during this last episode, I had thoughts to do some horrible, horrible things. It was my first real episode of seriously threatening to hurt somebody (Apparently telling my husband I would kill him in his sleep) and I even threatened to throw my 10-week-old puppy under a car and tried to put him outside on his own so he could run away (it almost makes me cry thinking I even thought of doing that ) I’m so glad there were people there to stop me. (Also, I am going back to my psychiatrist next week to look at changing my medication!)

I eventually had a breakdown in the middle of a shopping centre on my way to work, my mum was with me at the time. Looking back, I am afraid of what I might have been capable to do (to myself) if she wasn’t with me. I just get upset thinking about it, I don’t want to be like this. I just keep feeling so embarrassed and guilty like it was my fault, even when I know it wasn’t really me – and it’s like I have blocks of my memory that are just missing. Has anyone else had this kind of experience with their illness? What helped you through these times? Anyone...