considering your past..... i do not think that what you are doing is unusual. I do not have the skills to tell you what to do to "fix" it. Clearly your past is so sensitive that you will require professional help.

But do not think any of this is either 1) your fault or 2) not understandable.

Very sorry to read about your past. I hope (someday) you find peace within your soul.

Gods blessings to you.