Thanks again, everyone. I'd like to tell you a little bit about my brother. I can't remember what I have already told you. I never did really know him very well, and I am sad that I didn't. I am afraid that I wasn't much help to him either. He was 8 years younger than me, and when he was little, he irritated me so much! He went in my bedroom and messed up my stuff and dumped out my perfume. He did gross things like licking all the salt off of crackers and then serving the crackers to everyone, and then announcing that he had licked them first. Once I screamed at him, "I hate you!"

As he grew up, Brent had a rough time. He was a smart kid. He figured out how to read at 3 or 4 years old, by asking people what sounds the letters made. He had a poem published in a city newspaper when he was in kindergarten. He called himself a genious. But he didn't get along with other kids at all. He was big and awkward and clumsy, and lacked social awareness. Later on, we found out that he had muscular dystrophy (it's a non-debilitating form, but it affected him, and does me too although less noticeably). He probably had a pervasive developmental disorder - on the autistic spectrum, but not clearly enough to be recognized and treated when he needed it. He had more and more problems in school (with social aspects) as a teen, and stopped going to school at around 15 years old. By that time I had moved out and cut off contact with the family, so I have found most of this out from other family members. Brent was eventually hospitalized and diagnosed with schizophrenia. He had suicide attempts, and besides hating himself, apparently he had voices telling him to do it. He also turned himself in to the police for molesting our youngest sister, who has Down Syndrome. The first time, years ago, nobody was sure that he had actually done anything, and since there was no evidence and he was having problems, he went to a group home and there was no conviction.

He went back to living at home, and seemed to be stable on medication. My mother told me once that Brent felt like trying to finish school (he did get his GED), and go to college and get a job. In other words, he was interested in having a life. But this made mom uncomfortable so she asked for his medication to be increased so that he "wouldn't over-exert himself."

More years passed, and his doctor was concerned about weight gain and high blood pressure related to the meds. He switched to a new med, and didn't do well with it at all. He said that he was having trouble and something was going to happen. Mom tried to get him admitted somewhere, but there was no hospital that would take him. Apparently they don't believe in prevention - the problem has to have already occured before they will do anything about it. So he turned himself in for molesting our sister again. This time, he apparently did (and maybe he did before too - we don't know). He apparently had thoughts that were abhorrent to him, and he believed that he should be punished for his thoughts. Since nobody was willing to punish him for having bad thoughts, he acted them out so that he would be punished. He also thought that somebody should just blow up the world because he didn't want to exist anymore.

Brent was in jail, without a trial and without adequate treatment (sometimes meds were withheld, and he never had supportive therapy), for two years. He killed himself after being transferred out of jail but was in a temporary setting while they were deciding where to send him next. He didn't get adequate treatment, and lost everything that was keeping him going - his books, visitation, etc. The system is way messed up. People who need help are not able to get it, and then they are punished for having a mental illness that they can't control and aren't given the support that they need to control it.

My brother was an incarcerated sex offender, and I didn't always like him very much even before that. But I also know that he got a raw deal in life, and he could have done so much better. He had good talents and interests too, and he wanted to do good. His thinking was messed up, but he actually had impossibly high morals and values. There was just a major disconnect somewhere. He deserved better than he got. I feel horrible that I failed him. I didn't really get to know him (other than through e-mail for a couple of years). I'm concerned about another sister, who probably really does (or did) hate him, as she was unable to take into consideration all of the relevant facts and limitations. She wanted to exclude him from a family website, family activities, etc. I think that will catch up with her at some point, although I can't blame her for feeling what she does. I just think that she may have some regrets eventually.

Current events at PC are hitting a little too close to home for me right now. I used to wish that my brother could participate in this community and get some support and encouragement. But now I know that he would not have been welcome here. At a time when my life feels like utter chaos, and I need this community the most, I'm not sure what I feel - the word coming to mind is betrayal, although it isn't me who has been betrayed. Maybe that isn't the right word, but this community is something that I rely on, and right now it just feels like it is continually being torn apart. People whom I love and care about disagree with each other and can't get along. It hurts. And I am afraid to say what I really feel and to share experiences such as what I have just written, because maybe it isn't acceptable.

My family never was much for communication. They kept what was happening with my brother a secret. They wanted to protect the relatives from knowing about it. My parents overprotected my brother, and me, and all of us. It was not helpful. It was destructive, and finally lethal. I'm seeing those same patterns here now. And I am afraid to say so because someone probably won't like it. This doesn't feel safe to me. But it needs to be said.

I'm sorry if I have offended anyone.

Rap