BIG GULP

He phoned me. I was layiing in bed drowning in misery when he phoned, so I didn't even realize it was him until he left his message on my answering machine.

Dippy, my attendant friend of six years wants me to tell Richard that I do not want a sexual relationship with him and that if he persists in bugging me to call the police (THE POLICE?! A little bit extreme, don't you think)

All of this is making me want to crawl into my little foxhole and disappear, permanently. I wonder what Doug knows to suddenly call and want to appear on my doorstep now, not a week from now, not last week, not two weeks from now, not last month, but now. What makes him want to show up now, after I wrote a letter to Father Lindsay in the depths of despair? I never told Doug. How much does he know?

I am not mad that he is showing up, just frightenened that he will hear the despair in my voice and either blast me for self-pity or...do something else....something gentle, something kind. I'm not prepared for that. I'm prepared for people to be angry with me.

With everything that's going on, I just want to hide and never come out. My psychological well-being can go out the nearest window. I can't take Richard to the police because of my stupid sexual hang-ups. I wanted it all kept quiet.

Peanut butter and jelly nuts. If I find out someone talked to Doug, (irish accent), heads will roll!

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.