I am hurting people by being alive... but I know I will hurt them even more if I kill myself...or if I just die. I don't think I am at risk but I really want to disappear. In fact I wish I could turn off all sympathy/empathy for the people around me and then I could either kill myself or if I didn't I would atleast know thats not the reason why I haven't already.

"You shouldn't take things this hard." "You should focus on being happy instead." "You think too much and worry too much." If any of these phrases helped... I would I have been the happiest person on earth right now. But what am I supposed to do? I can't just turn my head off. I can't when I am awake.. I can't when I sleep (got sleeping issues and nightmares). The only thing I make out of "think less" is to commit suicide.. I know no one who tells me that wants me to die.

I actually wonder if I should be diagnosed with something more than major depression/clinical depression (or whatever it's called). I feel like I have a shadow in my head which constantly feeds me bad thoughts about everything, a lot about my self consciousness. It says awfully bad things that otherwise doesn't go together with the person I am.. It is almost like I have split personality disorder, only that I know the shadow isn't real.. is just my own thoughts... have my own voice inside my head. It's so far just metaphor for how two sides in my head fight.. But the two sides are so diverse..