I am so scared. In the last month I have been in a partial hospitalization program, inpatient, and I am starting another partial program tomorrow.
I am alone. I am scared. And I am hurting.
Regarding my abuse, I want to pretend it never happened. Any of it. Ever. I do not want to. ever. think about it. ever. ever.
Sometimes I eat. Sometimes I cut.
And when it gets horrible, sometimes I OD.

I don't want to go through the therapy right now. I don't want to work through it, talk about it, think about it. I want it to all go away. To go far, far, far, away and never come back.
I want to be good. I don't want to need these stupid meds to feel ok because they are expensive, and they force me to seek treatment.
I want to go to therapy. I just cant deal with any of the trauma. I keep telling myself. "It didn't happen", "you don't have trauma". But I am not that dumb.

Im 18. I am a junior and college, except now I have to take an extra year to graduate because of all this. And I don't really care that much. But I hurt so much. And I am so scared. And I can't do this. I don't want to do this.

I want to be a therapist. But right now I can barely function without freaking out. I hurt so much. I don't even know what to do.
I can't do this. Idk.