Last night was journaling about my feelings I am having the last few days. Its like the illusions are crumbling and I'm seeing the "whys" and "where fors" more in my actions.

I've noticed how I present myself as more needy then I actually am. I do this with certain people, people I imagine need to feel needed by a needy person. I see that I really am not relating to the real person but to the fantasy I need that person to be part off.

I was writing how without these "games" I can play, I will survive. I may have to be more adult within myself and more responsible, which is something I've resisted for a long time.

It was quite empowering seeing this. I guess I feel that maybe I can ride my bike without stabliser wheels a whole lot better then I allow myself to do.

SO my dream last night was of my T telling me that she feels I am fine now and can take the leap into the real world now and don't need her. She terminated me.

In the dream I was trying to convey to her that she's wrong, I do need her still that I'm not as "sorted" as she thinks. I had tears coming down my face as I reaslied that I oculdn't change her mind on this.

I guess T in the dream was the adult me? Bit by bit preparing me for the next big step of my journey? The letting go off another coping method I've employed for so long?

yes I can survive. But I am still alittle scared. Sometimes this crumbling of old ways is nice, others its very scary and strange.