.....A few threads here on peophiles and/or potential abusers and abuse got me thinking. Abused. Oooo how I hate that word. Victim another word I hate. But the sad thing is, I have been abused and I fall in the category of being a vitcim. I am a survivor. A badge I don't wear proudly. The scars are deep. The pain is numbed. I have shut down. I exist. I care and I don't care. I pray to God to take me home. I pray to God to let me live and heal.. But it seems the "void" engulfs me. I am stuck in the past and I fear the future.

Then the topic of peophiles and potential abusers surface. I start thinking. Why do I tend to find myself in abusive situations? You would think that by now I would be capable of "protecting" myself. What seems to keep me on the merry-go-round of abuse? And it hit me. The threads on peophiles. What do I think? What do I feel? OMG I can feel. I felt the pain and agony from one of the posts. Is it "his" pain I am feeling or is it my pain I am feeling? Transferrence maybe? I don't want "him" to hurt. I don't want to hurt. I want "him" to be ok. I want to be ok. I feel vulnerable. I scramble inside. I want to protect them and make them feel good and forget to "protect" myself. I am setting myself wide open. My adult thinking is cloudy and the hurt child within surfaces. Childish feelings of wanting everything to be ok not wanting anyone to hurt. I get bitten again and wonder why. Could this be the "pattern" with me that keeps me a victim? Interesting thought. Maybe I have found one notch on the stick of pain that makes sense and can learn from. And that I am not numb. that I can and do feel...