*headdesk*

I am kind of just trying to deal with this whole... connective tissue disorder thing that I've been handed. I think, like... for many similar situations, I would see a second opinion, or really be thinking that my prognosis is likely in the group of the more positive outlooks, or... a lot of things.

I'm generally pretty positive, but also in a very realistic way. It never has done me any good to pretend things are something other than they actually are.
Given the progression of my symptoms to now, the opinions of my GP and rheumatologist, other health professionals, people with similar personal experience, and my gut instinct, pretty much- eh... the diagnosis is really just confirmation of some stuff I already know, but like... introduction to "yeah, stuff isn't great, you knew that, but it's official, yeah it's progressing, it'll probably get worse. so YAY!"

So now I'm pissed off.
I'm having a lot of anger.

like a LOT.
My health has deteriorated in a crazy way the past several months and our first real shot at a pretty standard treatment [typical lupus/RA treatment] was edging on catastrophic failure. The pain symptoms as well as fatigue, inflammation... well, all kinds of stuff, are just now all in an uproar.

I'm bummed out, I'm stressed. i feel like I can't predict anything, even what direction my symptoms are going.

Im just randomly unpredictably pissed OFF. I'm tyring to just deal with it with a hefty dose of humor. It's helping.

I have a past history of impulsive anger and I had worked very hard, actively put a lot of effort into really examining my responses and actions regarding that kind of behavior.

I'm upset that I'm experiencing this kind of thing, and worried about my future.
I'm scared too, because I' feel like I've been struggling for so long- really like almost a decade and a half at this point- with SO MUCH STUFF, constantly working to just get on a basic functional level. This is one more thing and I'm just running out of Try Again Fuel.

I don't feel crazy or unstable really. I think that is a risk, and I've expressed that.

But I feel ok in terms of mental stability, just really stressed and angry.

But I feel, I think, a full gammit of reasonable emotions besides that.

I just... I'm running out of the I WANT TO TRY.
I'm going to be 32 in a few months.
And like.. if I don't see any kind of improvement or hope of improvement, I'm kind of worried as to what my brain is going to make of that?

And not's not any kind of dramatic, or even desperate statement.
That's just like... I've put serious effort into improving my life... for HALF OF MY LIFE, been giving repeated set backs and seriously attempted to overcome them- goals that have been several years long, and often acheived them.

Some of these goals have had very little immediate results and I've actually gone through a lot of freakin' heartache over them, but I have worked hard for me.

Not that like, life sucks, but I put a lot of effort into stuff.

In the past several months, my life has completely changed.
If i see no evidence that it can change back, or change somewhat to something I can deal with...

I don't really know what my brain will do with that information.
And that is just a fact.

Any input on coping with this crap, or how to process this whole "life is crap and I I'm super angry and don't like being angry" thing... or anything I've said... thing...

would be great, frankly.

I'm experiencing a lot of this logically.
I'm not like a totally emotionaly hysterical wreck, that is to say.