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"Day #15
Hi everyone,
well, I just can't write an honest email without telling you that my feelings were really hurt yesterday. Every time I write an email to you there is a lot of dialogue going on, questions, comments, stories. But yesterday my day was silent. It felt like all the voices had stopped, all the dialogue died down. And that on a day when I could have used support the most. When I needed someone to tell me that my anger was justified. But the silence seemed to reinforce that apparently I wasn't right in my feelings, that I indeed expected too much.
I thought about it a lot last night. I fought with myself, against the feeling of disappointment, the feeling of loneliness. I felt I had no right to feel lonely because I have people here who love me, right? And I shouldn't be disappointed because of course I don't write these emails to always get many responses.
But I do write them because I need to feel that I am not alone in this. I write them to talk and to feel connected. And of course I am happy when I get replies, what's the point of writing it when there is never any feedback? In that case I could just write it in my own diary. But I am putting myself out there and you all keep encouraging me to do so. But, my dear, beloved friends, if you want me to write, I want you to respond. I don't care is the response is always helpful, sometimes it's fine to just say: I don't know what to say.
Ok, that said - I am not angry any more. I found a place in my very own heart that made me feel better. I got up very early this morning and waited for the darkness to turn into daylight and somehow it echoed in my heart. So I feel some peace right now. And I ate a whole box of Belgian Seashells while I sat outside waiting for the sun and the birds. All 24 of them!! I thought I would regret it in the morning, but I am okay. And it's so funny, I can do all these things now without feeling the slightest regret. If all I eat all day is chocolate, then that's the way it is. It's better than eating nothing.
So for right now, life feels almost alright. I am not in too much pain, I am not too tired and I am not too nauseous. My nurse is coming in an hour to take me to my appointments and I am actually looking forward to see her. She is very funny and outspoken and I am starting to really love her.
By the way, Squirrel Baby is now eating on his own and he is the first one on the bird feeder every morning and he is so very cute!
Have a nice day everyone,
Much love,
A"
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*** Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.***
Mahatma Ghandi
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