Trying to let the feeling past, realize its depression and anxiety crap interfering with my thinking. But I just feel like life is too freaking hard. Don't want to off myself per say, though I'd be lying if I said I have not thoughts like that at all. Can't be good enough for myself or anyone else....people care they have hope I can see some things for what they are, my life can improve and I will find better ways of dealing with things i don't have much faith in that.

I mean the other day I had a realization about drinking too much to try and numb myself out when I am angry/upset which does not go well and has become a bad habit so of course yesterday I talked to my mom was talking with some confidence of ideas of how I could avoid doing that, maybe taking up some activities I could get into as alternative things to do when I feel bored or am bothered about something. But right now I just feel like its hopeless....just don't know how to feel about myself. HOw do I motivate myself to get out and find activities, how do I build up the motivation to really, really look into some alternative therapy or maybe group therapy...just sort of feel like giving up because I don't know if I can do things I need to for my wellbeing or avoid being self destructive for my wellbeing.

I am alone at my moms house today, which I am kind of glad so I have a break from trying to keep up appearances...don't think I can admit to people I really feel that hopeless better to keep acting confident I can really change things for the better I don't want them to be concerned. But also being alone gives me lots of time stuck with my own thoughts and feelings which aren't always good. I feel pathetic and weak and hopeless...can anyone relate?