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A year ago, I was seeing this guy for 2 years. It was a great relationship. The relationship broke because the pressure of his family on him and it led him to drink so much. It had him raging at me. I knew he never ever meant it towards me on purpose. He did everything right and sweetly as a boyfriend. He was the first guy that was like me. I had to let him go, I met this new guy at work. I decided after all this on and off with my ex was crazy, that I made a stupid choice to jump into a relationship so soon after. I left him to go back to my ex about a month after, i fell for his words and was stupid. I was intimate with my bf before i left, it was his first time. It makes everything even worse. Im a bad person, i thought hed change and told my boyfriend that i was sorry but i have to leave, so i left. I slept with my ex, felt horrible after. I wont sit here and say it was a mistake, i did it. My ex went back to his old way, and i went to my bf and asked for forgiveness, he took me back, i understood he was torn, i respected and felt grateful he had a heart to take me back. Throughout the relationship, my boyfriend never seemed to love me or cared for me, it been a year now, i haven't spoken to my ex, but time to time i did search up his name and i guess history never leaves and my boyfriend found it. This was a few months ago. I never lie and do anything that has to do with my ex because i dont love my bf, but because i felt lonely through this whole relationship. I always wait for his calls, always doing everything he wants, hed go through everything of mine, always desperate for him. He treated me like crap. I dont blame him. I hurt him tons, he has the right not to trust me. Now he says he doesnt want to try anymore. I want to be with him so bad. I cryall the time because i want his love, and he always want me to give give give, he always says " you messed up and now you gotta pay" ive been clean with my actions for months now, then again, i dont blame you guys not to believe me. Ive left my man down. I promise towards god, i truly love him and really want this to work. He says he wants his space.. I give him.. But we still end up fighting because he always gets mad at me, brings his anger towards other things home to me. I dont know how to make my bf less hurt and more loving. Im in the wrong yes. But i dont want to pay for this anymore. I cry and he sits there and smiles. I tell him my feelings and he goes to sleep. I give him sex, and hell go watch tv after. Like hes always with his friends all the time. I dont know what to do to save my relationship. Im tired of begging. I am not strong. Hes starting to call me fat.. Im skinny and have a little chub on my tummy. Im insecure now.. And tired of crying. Im afraid to say, ive cut myself.. Hit myself in the head with a bottle, doors, and litteraly shake when i cry like really bad, ive left the house hoping to get raped, or killed.Im not crazy:'( im not understood. My bf has done so muh to me to feel low of myself.. He still thinks, i should pay for my mistakes.. Like heck im literally trying to kill myself.. He doesnt care if im dead. What do i do? I dont want to be without him, i know ill be fine without him. But i want to save us, his pain and hurting cuz of me is going to kill me one day. I pray and nothing happens.. I dont want to die, i just want to be loved. My bf feels that he will do it when he is ready but till the he can treat me however he wants. Aaaahhh.
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