IMHO, Hellion, I think usernames that both reflect where we're at and make us feel fairly good about ourselves and our prospects are a first step toward taking control and committing to getting better.

I started as Roadrunner because it's native to my soul's home (New Mexico), my inclination is to run from problems, and whenever I see a roadrunner (or remember times I've seen one) I smile--even laugh. They just make me happy ... not about myself, or life, or anything in particular . Roadrunners are kinda magic and funny. Silly. After I'd been here awhile, I felt ready to work on myself and get my life back so I changed to Roadie, which reflected my very productive, theatrical period in life and my love of road trips and travel. Now I'm Roads because I'm too old and have too many physical & mental problems to travel ... But I'm still on the road of life, trying to find the right path for me.

I'd say give it some thought and change your name--reflecting who you are, also allowing for some healing and fulfilling movement in your future.

I'm a bipolar alcoholic. I was about your age when I evolved from drinker to alkie (I see that in retrospect ... had my first blackout then but didn't have a clue I was addicted). I was also using pot and peyote. I was in graduate school in the 1960s & realized I could happily spend my life tripping, especially with peyote, then philosophizing and writing. Of course, the odds of supporting myself (or staying healthy & living a long life) were slim. I quit the peyote & pot. Alcohol is legal, so I stuck with that. Of course a psycho-drug is a psycho-drug is a psycho-drug. I left college with a PhD in two fields and a full-blown alcohol addiction.

Mostly I maintenance-drank, and managed to get and keep a good job as a college prof with promotions & raises ... change careers to theatre lighting in Las Vegas/Reno/Lake Tahoe with acclaim, money, and working shows like Willie Nelson, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Jr. Then I hit the proverbial wall, and was blessed with a best friend who gathered together all the pieces of me and stayed with me, helping me get sober and whole and strong again.

I'm going on forever here because, although I'm an advocate of legalizing pot, a psycho-drug truly IS a psycho-drug, regardless which of them is your drug of choice.

Why did you drop out of college? Why, at 24, are you living at home with parents who treat you like you're 12? I suggest that you're in a "their house their rules" situation, because it provides shelter and a phony sense of safety. I say phony because while you've got physical security it's in exchange for mental and emotional abuse. Mentally you are not functioning as a 24-year old, which is why your parents see/treat you as their young child, their dependent. Your preference for older men may irk your mom, but if you were a functioning adult living your own life that would be her problem and not yours.

If i were in a situation like yours, I'd get sober, get a job and advance in it. Make it top priority, save every dollar and when you're doing well, pay sometime toward your parents expenses. ASAP, get your own home, your own life.

If addiction isn't a problem for you, maybe you can consider some recreational use of pot (it's gonna be legal many places before long I think), but therapy throughout all your self-care would help you make a wise decision about this and other options.

I feel for you because you've gotten yourself stuck in a double dependency--on pot and on your parents--that will take all the fortitude and perseverance you can muster. Find/make sober friends if possible, as soon as you can--maybe from work. Do some volunteer work till your job happens. Get out in the community and read to old folks, help out at a pet shelter, tutor/mentor kids from a local elementary or middle school.

This is a great site to rant, whine, cry, laugh, and build a support system. I wouldn't still be alive if it were for PsychCentral, its forums, and a handful of people who've become friends--the sort who are always nearby, won't let me give up, get me from morning to afternoon and one day to the next. It's been about 1000 days for me now, and I'm grateful I'm up and on the Road (again) today.

You're obviously smart and perceptive. Your posts reveal what you need to do to heal and grow, so you know what to do even if it seems too overwhelming. Baby steps. Just take baby steps, and know you don't have to do any of this alone.

Roads