I actually live with my mom and her boyfriend, so not both parents...my dad treats me more as an adult though he has issues of his own and what not so not exactly someone who's example I should follow

My mom actually got married when she was 16 to a guy who was 25, that was legal in the state at the time with parental consent. I mean I have one friend who's a male twice my age and he has said he finds me attractive and we have talked about that but he respects that I am not intrested in having an intimate relationship and that is in general because I think the issues I have would get in the way of that with anyone so we are just friends...but I know sometimes my mom thinks we're more than that which wouldn't really matter but its simply not the case.

But yeah sometimes I've drank because I feel like i have to because in general I come off a bit unusual and have been judged for that in the past. But obviously if I befriend someone while drinking there is a good chance once sobering up has been done they'd be judgemental...or they might end up being manipulative. Or just to feel better or feel numb when I'm upset or angry about something or to numb PTSD symptoms and sometimes due to feeling self destructive and not caring which tends to come with depression and PTSD. First time I dropped out of college I was drinking too much and abusing other drugs...some was more genuine wanting to experience new things and what not I think most people experiment a bit at some point but a lot of times I over did it with things. I was tripping on mushrooms way to often for like a month during that time and at least with psychedelics or in my case the trips tend to get unpleasant if you're abusing them which leads you to stop. But yeah at the time I was in denial about having PTSD, sort of self medicating it and being self destructive without knowing why....I got somewhat invalidated about possibly having PTSD when i first tried getting help for it so I tried to supress it and ignore it so it would go away on its own. But yeah so after that I moved back home, tried finding work which didn't work out and was really upsetting because the one interview I did get didn't work out at all and so I decided I'd try and go back to college but part time community college....which I still couldn't handle. The ptsd has to do with a lockdown situation and so being in a classroom setting tends to make me very anxious and hard to focus especially if there is any noise coming from the hall way so that is a major reason I seem unable to cope with that also though I've had a hard time concentrating on reading since I developed the PTSd symptoms so that also doesn't help with college. But yeah I do plan to stop with drinking....cannabis is legal in my state and I find that tends to help things but doesn't make me all irrational and I don't go overboard with it like alcohol...and sometimes if I have thoughts of suicide it mellows those out so I can talk myself out of it, and let it pass without doing anything stupid. I want to look into legitimately getting it for medical reasons, there are studies that indicate it can help some people with PTSD and in moderation as opposed to excessive use can relieve depression symptoms and reduce anxiety.

I am currently on SSI because of PTSD as well as severe depression, anxiety and I have aspergers syndrome(which on its own perhaps would not be so problematic) so I will need a lot of help with that to become close to being able to function on a job. Don't think I would ever make it in the corporate world for instance, and wouldn't really want to either but yeah I do want to get help with issues I have and hopefully improve my mental health enough to make income on my own. As for now can't really afford to move out of my moms house. I also can't save ever dollar, since if i have anymore than 2,000 dollars in my account at once I can get kicked of of SSI but I need that and the medicaid to have a chance of getting proper help.

I was thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter and maybe try to find if there is any sort of group therapy or support groups in my area for people that might have some simular issues....because the CBT a couple times a month isn't really enough.