Hello, visiting here from the bp forum in search of insight regarding my mother...I'm wondering if she may have schizoid personality disorder (something I wouldn't dare bring up with her, but it would at least help me understand our relationship more). I'm wondering if anyone here identifies with this (sorry this is so long - hard to sum up a person in writing!):

My mother is very beautiful and smart (unusually so in both categories). She is known for her articulateness, grace, solitariness, and stoicism (she's a chemist). For us who are closer to her, she is also known for her inability to empathize and her absolute avoidance of self-disclosure - she literally keeps everything to herself, including major life events like being tested for cancer, splitting from her partner/my 'step'-dad, getting hit by a car etc. I'm an only child (now 28) and she has always been an extremely good mom in terms of supporting my life choices, education, in general just doing whatever she can to help me succeed and making it clear how much she believes in me. On the other hand she is completely unable to relate to me on an emotional level and though I know she loves me to death, I can tell she even feels uncomfortable touching me (she forces herself to sometimes, but it is clearly unnatural...) Because of this I felt very alone during my childhood.

I'm an incredibly emotional and impulsive person and she usually reacts to this either like a deer in the headlights, simply standing and staring at me as I throw myself against the wall, or feebly attempts to talk me out of my feelings (which she clearly doesn't relate to at all). Sometimes I will be sobbing and screaming at her on the phone and she will simply "change the subject" out of nowhere by asking me how my cat is ...it is very disorienting.

My mom has suffered a lot of trauma throughout her life. Her entire family has passed away in surprising and tragic ways and at very young ages. My father cheated on her and then left her for another woman. Now she is re-married (15 years later) to someone who makes no sense at all (my dad is an artist, this guy is a retired dr...and a total asshole, but that's another issue). It is obvious to everyone that they have no real connection, it's more like 'an agreement' - it's quite disturbing to see her playing her part. I can tell he's around the corner when I talk to her on the phone because her voice is different. In fact much of the time in social situations I feel she is acting, and is unaware of this. The only time she feels real to me is when we're alone for long periods of time and she is more relaxed (not 'on' for other people). She keeps everything to herself but at the same time is sure to be very polite, hospitable, overly helpful. She's told me that social situations exhaust her, however everyone likes talking to her.

She has confided in me that she empathizes with plants and animals more so than other people (she is indeed an excellent gardener!). She describes her inner life as 'incredibly rich' and is attracted to whimsy and fantasy. I guess she might be described as a little bit goofy/quirky - she's definitely odd, but not in a bad way. She loves to be alone and has almost no friends (a choice that is obviously hers, as she is well-liked), though she takes piano lessons and has one close girlfriend. She is incredibly dutiful, selfless, and stubborn (to the point of being almost irrational due to her rigidity) - she has obvious issues with control but does not impose this on others. For example, she can't do anything impulsive and does not like when a plan is disturbed, but she is the opposite of an overbearing parent - very 'hands off' (at times it was not enough). She works very hard to do and be good, so she is also very defensive. I believe she knows she cannot give me what I need in the emotion department so she makes up for it in other ways, by trying to make my life easier and better in the ways she knows how to.

I have seen her cry - and just one tear at that - only once in my life. The strong emotions of others make her very uncomfortable. As a teenger I cut my wrists on a daily basis for three years and she 'never noticed' (even though my school forced her to take me to the emergency room at one point). We never talked about it.

I always used to think she was just cold, but I don't think this is true. There is no question of her love or loyalty or anything like that - we talk almost everyday on the phone - but I wonder if she may be truly unable to connect with people in certain ways. Perhaps this is just 'normal' but different, i.e., not a 'disorder' but it feels so extreme to me, and I'm not alone here. It's like I want to shake her and wake her up and get her to come out of there!! I feel like an alien next to her, her reactions to me are almost surreal sometimes. I love my mom so much and I worry for her, especially because I know she would never confide me in if she was sad or confused or anything. How is it possible to be so close yet so unbelievably distant from someone at the same time?

I would like to hear your thoughts, not because I wish to 'diagnose' my mother, but so maybe I can understand her world more and adjust my expectations and treatment of her accordingly.

Thanks for reading this memoir of a post!