I take comfort from toddlers who "hate" their mother when they are frustrated, they don't mean it either

I guess you have to do boundaries and concentrate on them and enforcing them. When people upset us on the phone we say, "I cannot talk to you right now, I feel too angry so I am going to hang up" and then they do that. You could modify that with "leaving" (put yourself in time out making yourself unavailable to him rather than the other way around). My stepmother use to go for a walk around the neighborhood many evenings after my father got home if she was stressed with having dealt with me.