Reading this over and figured I'd better add an extra TRIGGER warning... Self directed anger at what I see as cowardness and confusion over suicidal intent... Really don't want to trigger others who are in a bad way... Might be better off deleting it, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

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Last two days have been kind of horrid. Guess it’s a side effect of anxiety but I’ve been all over the place… partially triggered by more financial problems and feeling stuck, useless… feeling I should be so much more but that in actual fact, just thick, a leach, someone who should just man up, grow up and shut up.

Further confliction in seriously thinking about ending it… just get on with it and stop with the self pity or excuses of why I shouldn’t. It does at the moment get stopped by those very excuses… the harm it would do to those I care about, what others would think (this part I shouldn’t really give a crap about… but of late I do )… that if I hold on something amazing might happen… or that it would be my sods luck that something great would happen (a winning lottery ticket, inspiration that propels my writing to something good) but I was dead… or that ‘do you really want to die? Would you just be doing it for some attention? If you are going to do it or think about, don’t f around… don’t whine, do it because you mean it and intend to follow through… otherwise you’re being pathetic and should stfu’

I have so much rage locked inside but I can’t express it openly, no one cares what I think… just an insignificant waste of excrement that has delusional ideas of being relevant.

I know I’ve been doing relatively well with my T sessions… at least that’s what I keep being told… how I’ve become so much more ‘stable’ since a few months back… but it all rolls back to this problem I have with ‘point’… I just don’t see any. Right now I’m putting one foot in front of the other and I keep walking but I really don’t know why I’m doing so.

Sorry for the rant