Is your son on medication? Is your son in therapy? Are you in family therapy? you both could probably benefit from this together.

I know it is hard to put up with the things your son says or does, but you are an adult, you know better, you are the mom. You can never take those words back and all teenagers say and do things they do not mean at times, they are teenagers, their brains are not fully formed, they are emotional, and clearly your son is going through some issues, but as a mom you saying "i hate you" well you just put yourself right down to a child like level.

You say he verbally attacks you and I understand that can be frustrating and difficult and I am hoping like I said above that he and you both are already in counseling separately and together, that would be very helpful. Why would you attack back? What exactly are you looking to accomplish? To win? Your doing exactly what he wants you to do. He wants you to respond to those things he says and by doing so you are getting on his level. There are a lot of really wonderful ways to handle these situations that you learn in therapy.

Your son is clearly unhappy with his life and is struggling and you are his mom need to be his number 1 support. So since you both are miserable, where do you want to go from here?

And you don't ignore him, you apologize and show him how an adult acts when they make a mistake, because he doesn't know how that works yet clearly. You say you are sorry for what you said, that you love him and could never hate him, that you just lost it for a minute and should choose your words more carefully because they have an impact on people.