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"Day #16
Well, the first thing I have to say is thank you for all your kind messages yesterday. You know, I didn't mean to guilt you into writing something! I just wanted to be honest how it made me feel being left alone with the part of the journey that is not so easy.
But thank you so much for all your kind emails, messages, encouragements and love.
I didn't feel well at all yesterday and I am not feeling well today either. I think I have to finally accept that there will be less and less good days. And I grieve every day that passes.
Suddenly time becomes so very precious. It becomes much more purposeful and meaningful.
So many things I held onto, some anger, some fear, some memories - suddenly they don't matter that much any more. And I wonder how much they ever really mattered and why I kept holding on to them with such a tight grip. It makes me wonder what purpose they held.
And I realize that we all do things in life to elicit a certain response from the world, whether we are conscious about it or not.
When I held on to my past, to my sad and painful memories - it was because I feared that they will fade without anyone ever seeing them. Without anyone ever be outraged about them.
When I held on to loneliness, I probably did it because I needed people to help me out of it, prove to me that they are there for me no matter what.
When I held on to pains of the past, I probably did it because without it I would question my life. Without it, who was I? Without it, how could anyone see them, ease them, love me out of them?
Now, these days, I realize how much I identified with my past and how much I made myself a victim over and over by not letting go of certain things. I realize how much of my identity in reality was detached from my past and my past struggles.
Just because I wasn't loved as a child certainly didn't mean I wasn't lovable. And it also didn't mean I wasn't loved as an adult. Because I was. I was and I am so loved. And if it was only one person who truly loved me, then I would be absolutely happy and satisfied. Because I believe that's all it needs sometimes. One person in our lives who loves us completely and without reservation.
I hope you have that one person in your lives. And for those who don't, for today I will be that one person who loves you so completely and without condition or reservation.
Have a nice day,
Much love,
A"
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*** Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.***
Mahatma Ghandi
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