Hi all. I have this secret that I've shared with some people on this forum, but I'm yet to tell someone face to face, like my family for example. My fear is that they will suffer more than I am, because it is shocking.

A few years ago, I was hiking in a mountain on a university class field trip in another country outside my own, about 500 miles from any doctors or anything and I got lost on this mountain. It was a large granite dome boulder field type thing with lots of death-dealing drops and slippery round boulders. Not long into it the inevitable happened - I slid and fell off of one boulder onto another below and broke my ankle. Luckily my one and only friend was with me and helped me up and tried to find a way down the mountain. At one point there were two boulders, one above the other with a huge, deep and completely dark crevice between them. Because of my ankle he had to help me down, but unfortunately he just couldn't hold onto me and I began to fall into the crevice. He thought for sure that I was dead, and so did I, as I was falling. I would say it was easily 30 ft deep, because no sunlight got in. I was convinced I was going to die, I was 22 at the time, and as I was falling it was like time was slowing right down. But, here is the whole thing. I was never depressed before that, I was happy, I had very good scores, was very good academically and very satisfied with my life. Yeah, there were some childhood problems, but I just never thought about it. So, as I was falling, this immense sense of contentment and relief came over me (!!!) knowing I was going to die. This was shocking, totally out of the blue, never expected it one bit. But, for the first time in my life, I felt really happy, and it was unlike anything I felt before, I had no regrets, I was ready to go. Anyway, I somehow made it out of the crevice, because of the way I fell, I landed gently and there was a "tunnel" that lead to flatter ground outside again. But, I couldn't believe it - I realized I was still alive and I immediately felt disappointed . This was terrible, wouldn't any normal human being be happy to have survived such a thing? My friend was ecstatic when he saw me emerge, because he thought I had died, I couldn't even look him in the eye. He thought it was maybe just the pain from the broken ankle and never said anything. To be honest, at that point I didn't even feel my broken ankle, no pain at all, because I couldn't believe what had just happened in my head.

Time went on, the broken bone and ligaments healed and I forgot all about it. I also asked my friend never to tell anyone about what happened that day, and just pretend like it never happened. Of course, he only saw the physical side of what happened and didn't know the inner thoughts that went through my mind that day. Nobody knows to this day. I completed another degree and all was well. Then all the problems started. It was when I developed romantic feelings for a girl in my class, who was just the most amazing person I had ever met. But, I am such a loser when it comes to girls, and I had never even known what feelings of love felt like before. I still don't. I just felt something so good when I was around her, so warm and beautiful somehow, even though I had no idea what it was. When we were done with our course though, she left after obtaining the degree and I stayed on to do another. It was only then that I realized maybe this was what love was and what I had felt for her. But, it was too late. We live 1000 miles apart. It was once this had happened that I began to feel so empty. I fell into a dark place and I tried to figure out what was going on. The more I digged though, the more unsavoury information I began to learn about myself. I realised after a year that I was one very mentally messed up, disturbed and angry young man with a list of problems as long as my arm. It all started with that damn hike that day . I got to the point where I said to myself why didn't I just stay in that damn cavern that day and just pretend like I was dead, so I would be left behind. Or, better yet, why didn't I smash my head on the way down? It became the biggest regret in my life, that I didn't take the "exit" that day. Learning all this stuff about myself after these incidents has opened a dark door into my soul, and exposed all the trapped issues I must of had as a child. And, this is just so confusing. I mean my dad was an alcoholic and my mom and dad should have rather got divorced than stayed together, the way their marriage was (and is still) going. He also did hit her a little, but mostly always just shouted a lot. I have never seen two people who hate each other more than my parents do each other . But, I never one moment realised it was affecting me in any way, I felt so happy always, what the hell was this now?

Then I began to find out more stuff about my past. I learned that I was conceived not naturally, but through IVF, because my mom could not get pregnant the normal way, or my dad couldn't make her pregnant, I don't know. They never ever said anything, but I began to realize something. I'm the reason they were forced to stay together and endure each other all these years. If it wasn't for me, they could've got divorced and found a new happy life with other people. It's all my fault. I'm a demon that has put a binding-for-all-time curse over their heads and they can, because of me, never be happy. I'm convinced that this is why these bad feelings are happening to me like a punishment for what I've done. I don't know why they wanted to have me. Nature was trying to tell them not to have kids. It was a mistake, I shouldn't have been born, I know it. It all began to make sense to me - the feelings of isolation I felt my whole life, feeling like a "fifth wheel" everywhere I go, a burden, an extra guy. I should never have existed. My mom has also been opening up to me (she is also just as secretive as I am) and has begun to tell me stories of what a living hell my parents marriage was before I came along - apparently my dad's drinking was a lot worse and he was very reckless. She was at the point of ending the marriage even maybe. Then, one day he said they should have a child and they couldn't. I know my dad very well and the only reason he wanted a kid was because he was hitting 40 and his biological clock was ticking, and because his siblings all had kids already. He's been like that forever, since I can remember, in constant competition with his older brother especially, always trying to do him one better. But, he couldn't have a kid and so he desperately forced his hand with IVF method to have one. My mom always just agrees with everything he says, he is in total possession of her. I asked my mom the other day why she said yes, and she just said "But if I didn't you would not have been here, and I would never have had a son". I know she meant well with that, but inside me I just got this extreme sinking feeling. To know that I caused all this dismay in her life, forcing her to stick it out with my dad just for my damn sake. I hate myself for ever being born. Dammit.

It goes without saying thus that since all of this I've never been the same again. I suffer from all kinds of major depression and mental strife or whatever but I deserve every bit of it. I've never told anyone about this ever before, but this is the first time. I'm too much of a coward to tell someone face to face, so I'm posting it here. I've kept this secret so long, but I can't anymore.

Since I realized all of this, I can't shake the guilt. I've realized that I'm an unwanted or unnecessary person. If someone does something for me, I've realized that it's at cost to them. I take someone else's place who deserves it more. I now totally understand people's reactions to me all these years. I finally get why this one guy felt so hateful when he didn't make it into the second degree course, because I took his place only because my marks were better. He is a better human being than me, in fact all people are. I don't deserve the chances I get in life, they are meant for someone else, I can feel it in my soul. That's why I couldn't have that girl either, in the universe's plan she was already "taken". There is nobody allocated for me, because I don't "exist" on record. There are no gifts allocated for me, because I don't "exist". I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be walking around, as a living, breathing human being.

And, just the other night, something happened to me, almost a repeat of what happened on that mountain that day. I was sitting down to read and I began having severe chest pains, like I was going to have a heart attack. Suddenly I thought back to that day on the mountain and I thought...this time I'm going to let nature take its course. I sat there, hoping to die, hoping to end it all, once and for all, so that the rest of the people I've affected, and the bonds I've effected, can be freed. I wrote down some stuff in a book, because I don't have a last will and testament yet, at 25 years old. It was just a few things to tell people, maybe at my funeral or whatever. I was once again ready, happy that this time it was going to happen for sure. I didn't even think of getting medical treatment or that maybe it was fatally serious. I didn't care, I wanted to go, more than anything. This went on for hours into the night. Then, the next morning, I woke up again...damn! I thought. Since then I haven't thought about it again, I've just buried it deep down, like everything else.

My only question is, should I open up this can of worms with someone close to me, face to face in a discussion? I had a T, but I couldn't even tell him. Also, I would definitely have to bind the person to secrecy, because I would never be able to let this come out.