Hi UM, remember the "gone through some pretty awful bouts of depression". You have come through it before, it can pass. I know that may not help much now, but you are in all this therapy, you are trying different medications which is really good.
And everything you're trying could take you a step further towards not suffering so badly with this in the future.
And if things aren't helping that much right now, it's not your fault, it's not that you're too messed up for things to work for you that may work for others. It's just that they haven't hit the right combination for you yet. Everyone's different!! So maybe when you hit on the right medication for you.........!!
And besides this isn't "you messed up" it's "you with depression". You're not messed up, it's the depression you're living with right now.....and with the right help.....in time......you're going to be feeling more of the you that you (truly/really) are.
And self-hatred, come on (!!!! ), now that is absolutely the depression talking!!!. I really do know that it can be so real, you find evidence to back it everywhere, and it's almost impossible to believe that other people can see it any differently but you for one UM (believe it or not, BUT IT'S TRUE!! ) are amazing!!!
You offer people on here so much insight, empathy, support, consideration, caring, honesty, openess, you've put your pain both aside and out there to us when you're on here..........the list goes on, OK!!
There is so much in there for you to feel good about, it might take time, it might take finding the right road for you, it might take more pain even, but it's there and definitely something to hold on for/definitely something worth feeling!!
Alison