Believe me I know exactly how you feel, especially when you wrote "the fear is greater than the desire." But I don't know if I am even the right person to be able to give you any advice, considering my situation. I have been trying to gain some kind of inner strength throughout all of this and also trying to separate my emotions from the situation. I have found I can think a lot more clearly when I do that. But, if you are really afraid of how he will react, please just be careful. I don't really know if any of this was helpful, but I wanted you to know that there is someone who understands how you feel. Hang in there, try to decide what you want and work on making a plan to get strong enough to carry it out.