hi to everyone who is reading,

I am facing a problem in my life I need to and I want to overcome , if there is a way... I have not been diagnosed with any mental issue yet, my T says its still too early to say whether there is some personality disorder or else... anyway, seems like i ve ended up in my therapy, because of my past - no very less to no communication with ppl, world... - and long lasting destructive activities (computer games) - just to let the time pass by, without me even noticing anything... even my life...
so when the "moment of clarity" came it was really painful seeing that trhoughout my past I have not left any memorable trace... in ppls hearts.. i felt empty as ****... empty as empty ****,
it was miserable times, and as i used to do earlier, i erased the pain by losing conscioussness in PC games again and so it continued to repeat a few times,
. . . im on my way to cope with that wasted opportunities, wasted years of my life, thanx to my T, but there is one effect that now has impact on my life,
I wasnt used to communicate with people, and its actually tragi-comic when i take the first steps of building a relationship with my T. .. . completely something new for me..... experiencing first of my consciouss communications (first grade circle of ppl only)... feels good too...

Im still completely unable to start, continue, create verbal/non verbal conversation with ppl around me at university.... even in class.. i just sit silently, talking only if necessary, ..
If i happen to be able to talk to some1.. its hard for me to build up relationship that would feel good..

I am an introvert, but I would really like to reach out and talk to people, my introversion limits me at that but at least in small bits I rlly want to enjoy human contact.... Im just alone... and when I try, I have a feeling that people hate me / are absolutely not interested in talking to me., find me weird , the cold and disgust in their eyes is like a monster haunting every stammer i try to make up and take out of me... I fail everytime to make a good impression.......

Honestly I love people, I just.... cant make it work.. both ways like that...
am I really just set to be the odd one..?