I'll try to make this brief...

I'm a man in my 30s.

I dated a woman almost 2 years ago, in my early 30s. Despite my age, she was the first person that ever returned my feelings in my life...first real kiss, first sexual experience, first person I said "I love you" to. I know a lot of people will have trouble relating to that, because it doesn't follow the traditional timetable.

The relationship only lasted a couple of months - so it's nothing significant if not for the reasons I posted above. Like most relationships, the situation was complicated but she basically left me, or stopped seeing me until it got to the point where I was frustrated, we had a falling out & it was over.

I was also late moving out on my own (despite being financially responsible) and I was going through the transition of living alone for the first time at the same time of this first failed relationship.

Enough about the details of that time. The reason why I'm posting this is... even though it'll be 2 years this summer, I cannot move past it in my mind.

There hasn't been one day since our first date that she hasn't been on my mind the majority of the day...when I don't have a distraction like work or the gym, etc, she's on my mind. We've remained in touch occasionally, but mostly I just try to deal with my feelings internally. Despite my preoccupation with this, I do not make any attempts to see her and I do not harrass her in any way...I know this is inappropriate & is not the answer to my problem.

I've only seen her face to face twice since we broke up, both within the last couple of months. I helped support her (not financially) after an accident & we were talking daily again. She came to my place a couple of times, and I did kiss her the second time. She became distant about a week later, and I recognized this and stopped communicating - I assume she became distant because she started seeing someone new, or didn't know how to tell me that she wasn't interested in going there with me again.

Here are the major issues I'm still dealing with:

Sleep problems - ever since I moved out on my own, I have had sleep issues. Because this started at the same time as the relationship failure, I don't know if both things are the source of the problem, or if it is just the relationship failure. I went a month or so with next to no sleep initially, and now I average 2-4 hours a night, with the rest of the time in bed awake. Physically tired yes, but unable to fall back to sleep after waking due to my mind racing.

Moving on - As I've already explained, whenever my mind is idle to this day... she's on it. Even when I don't want to think about it, my mind finds a way to circle back to her. In the beginning it was missing her, wanting her back. Now I think it is more about not being able to accept the failure, & that I failed to keep her happy with me when I wanted to have her in my life for a long time. Whatever it is, I've tried meditation, counseling, etc, and I cannot forget it or move past it, even though I know there is no other choice.

I have dated one other girl since, at the suggestion of one of my few close friends. We dated for 6 months and I tried everything I could to make it work, but it was too soon for me & I wasn't ready to move on. She was an amazing, caring, & attractive woman, but I couldn't forget the other woman. I feel some guilt at having put her through that, although I didn't really know that I was going to hurt her ahead of time. She was so good to me that I feel like 95% of this text should be about her & not the other way around. The physical attraction to her wasn't as strong, but I feel like I should've been able to move on & make it work.



I've asked a few people in my life about this & received various responses. But what I need help understanding are these things:

1) Will I never really be able to move past this first experience, at least until I experience something more powerful? I really have to just learn to live with this for the rest of my life?

2) Are there really a ton of people that feel like I do, yet they end up with someone else just because they don't want to be alone?

3) Are there any good pieces of literature that might help me get past this?

Logically, I understand that there's nothing more I can do about the situation - other than try to accept that there's nothing more I can do. But how do I get this off my mind? I am not the go out & try to sleep with a bunch of other women to move past it type...I just don't connect with most people that easily, at least not on that type of level.

Thanks again if you made it to the end & can give me any guidance.