Quote:
Originally Posted by ImNotHere
It was not fair of your parent to put you in a situation where you felt like you had to choose sides, as a child that is completely ridiculous. If they still do that to you now then I think it is important that you separate yourself from them emotionally and physically enough to develop healthy boundaries and let them know that you will not put up with it anymore. This is why therapy is so important because they help you work through this guilt that you should have never experienced and help you understand that it is not your job or responsibility to constantly be concerned for others. Like I said before, you can care for them and be kind etc, but it isn't your job to always support them, fix their lives, or let them interfere or make your life harder by adding stress.
As for you dying, have you ever experienced someone dying? Really dying? Not just a distant relative, but someone you have known your entire life, that you loved, yes you may not have the best relationship with them, and I know that it may look like a good option at the moment but you have no idea what that does to people? They don't just move on or get over it. It doesn't go away or one day they will be free. They will never be free. They will always be devastated, always be destroyed. Death may seem like a dream, but have you ever really experienced or lost someone you truly loved? from suicide or anything? You are never free after that.
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Last year I was at someone's funeral, who was a family friend. I guess it's kind of weird knowing that you'll never see that person again. But, I mean, I couldn't cry, I hadn't seen her for years before her death, because my family and these people grew apart for about 10 years. It must have struck me somewhere, but I don't know where, I never think about it. I absorb bad experiences like a sponge somehow and then it goes way deep, where it's out of mind, until it needs to wreak havoc in my life, then it surfaces.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I never process these things, I just bury it within me somewhere. It was the same with the near death experiences too, I don't think about it afterwards.
Sometimes, when I was younger and sleeping a lot more, I had the most vivid nightmares about my own death. I don't know why I dreamt this stuff, I just did. The images are so clear that I remember them to this day. In my dreams I have died in an explosion already, I have been shot to death, I have fallen into an open grave (in a forest). The last one is particularly disturbing, because no matter how I walk around the hole to miss it, I always fall in, and keep falling. I can feel the free-fall sensation in my sleep. I never hit the bottom. I remember the same thing happening to me in real life when I was 4 years old. I walked around the edge of a swimming pool, and there was a narrow bit between the pool and a high wall. I remember doing my best to avoid falling into the pool, but I did, and I remember blanking out. Then I remember opening my eyes underwater and seeing the pool filter. I don't remember anything after that, except waking up on the grass with all the adults very concerned and standing around me. I nearly drowned that day. I was only about 4 but I remember it clearly. That feeling of walking on the edge and just being powerless to avoid falling in. It's almost like an unseen somebody pushes you in. But, lately, I don't sleep 8 hours a night and I'm usually very tired, and that seems to make me not dream anymore.