I woke up this morning with negative thought blaming myself. The people I am staying with gave me shelter and a job. I don't get paid as they can't afford to. And they really can't. Even though they don't have much money, they took me in. I woke up realizing how much I messed up on something we had to do by deadline. I felt uneasiness yesterday, but I tried to be okay about it. There were things that was happening and I got confused to do it or not. I should of talked to the husband but it was late so I figure that it wasn't happening. Then there was the uneasiness the next day.

I didn't have a good night sleep as always. But I did go to sleep on and off. When I woke up this morning, the thought came that it was all my fault. I should of stepped up and did and and talked to the husband. It was all my fault. Now, I have this huge guilt. I apologized to them through email since it was early. I'm going to apologize in person later again.

What I go through in the mornings are so much negative talk. I have learned to talk back to it so it's not as bad as it used to me. I used to wake up crying or being angry. I'm not like that anymore. This one I believe is my fault. Depression clouds me of thinking fast and responding and realizing things sooner. I realize this and I really hate myself for it. When will this depression get my life back on track??

I had a good career once. The last 8 year I've had a lot of bad things happen to me like deaths, divorce, and my whole family abandoning me. This family is helping me get back into my field, but I'm not doing a good job. Most of it is because I'm not doing it because I can't be creative as I used to be. Nothing is coming up and I'm letting them down.

I really appreciate what they are doing for me and I want to do better. I would be homeless if it weren't for them. My poverty and debt is another problem caused by depression. I realized yesterday-again that I entered the poverty cycle. I can't seem to get out of it. I know I should get a part-time job to get some cash in, but I'm not doing it. I also need to socialize outside of the family I am staying with. I love my friend who took me in and have been treating me so well. She wants me to heal from the rough times I've had. I moved to a different state to be with her. But I know no one here, but them. I'm suppose to improve my life. But I'm not doing it.

I've written a long one. I'm tired from writing this. I know it's me who can make the change and I'm so upset at myself I'm not. I just started on this forum and the last couple of days, I've been feeling better so I thought it might be the forum helping. Though it makes me a little uneasy that everyone can read what I wrote. This is my first thread and I'm trying to get better without medication and therapy as I can't have that anymore. This morning I'm back to not doing well.