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AmysJourney · May 10, 2014, 08:16 AM

"Day #17

Did you know that my goal is to make it to day #30? Yes, that is what I am striving for
Well, just FYI, haha.

I was thinking, when I lay awake at 2am that I want to write something meaningful today. You know, one of these emails that make you all fuzzy in your stomach and give you that huge epiphany you needed today.

Well, I think I may not deliver, because my head is full with a song I can't get out of it. I heard it again last night and it keeps echoing inside me over and over. It's "Voice of Truth" from Casting Crowns. Yeah, you know I am a Christian so I am kind of a sucker for songs that sing of faith but are not exactly hymns.
This song has gripped me tightly around my heart, it doesn't let go of me and I don't seem to be able to let go of it.
It sings about how we often are told lies by this life, telling us we are too weak, too insignificant, to unlovable. It sings about all the voices around us who tell us that we will never win, that we will always fail.
But it says that there is a "Voice of Truth" that we can actually choose to listen to.
The Voice of Truth is telling us that we are loved, that we are able, that we are not alone, that we are not worthless.
For us Christians the Voice of Truth is God's voice, but even for people who are not Christians, this really is true as well.

I suffered a lot believing all the voices in my life. As a child I was called a *****, worthless, unlovable, a demon, despicable. The voices of life told me I would never be loved, I would never be successful, I would never be happy, I was better off not being in this life and so much more.
It took so long to recognize that most of the voices I heard until I entered adult life, were lies. But for me there were truths because how could they not be, everything in my life was proof that they were true.

But then, when as an adult, I had this incredible epiphany. I worked with sexually abused children and there was this one little girl, 8 years old, who would never take part in any activities. She would watch everyone closely, I could see her eyes widening and I could sense her desire to be part of the activities. What I saw in her eyes was heartbreaking. I went over to her and asked her if I could hold her hand. She nodded almost unnoticeable. So I held her hand in both of my hands and looked at her and asked her really gently if she was sad about something. I didn't take my eyes off her, I wanted her to know that I wasn't pretending, that I was right there with her. She said she was afraid that she would not be good at the creative stuff we were working on. She told me that her mother told her she is useless at everything and she doesn't deserve to live because she was so useless.
That broke my heart into a thousand pieces. This little girl could have been me, I was told the same, I had to deal with the same lies over and over.
After listening to her for a while I grabbed a piece of paper and a red, a yellow and a black pen. I asked her what colour she liked best out of these three. I expected her to say black but her eyes started to twinkle when she smiled and said: YELLOW.
She drew the most perfect yellow rose I have ever seen a child her age draw. I was stunned - this little girl had amazing talent and yet she believed the voices around her that she was absolutely useless.

It was that moment that I found compassion for myself and I started to reject the lies I had been told and I started to look for the voices of truth.
And I found the voices that spoke the truth.
I believe now that I was lovable, that I have a kind heart, that I am smart and able to do whatever I want to do. I believe now that my life is worth something, that not all people are bad, that I am not a failure even though I failed sometimes.

So this song today, it reminds me of that and perhaps it grips so tightly around my heart because I needed it today. Because I needed to find the Voice of Truth again.

Haha, perhaps this was a meaningful email after all! Who knows?

Have a wonderful day,

A"