Quote:
Originally Posted by secretwhisper
I'm glad you were able to tell your wife in the end, even if it was after the event. It's good for our partners to be in the know, holding it all inside just doesn't help. It eats at ya until it's all too much. I know it's hard when you're worrying about your job if you were to call the crisis team...especially if you're having financial issues right now. But they were supportive before when you had time off weren't they?
I hope your evening isn't as bad as you fear and you manage to get something out of it. Maybe have a drink for me...I sure could do with one!  And if you need to, just go outside for some fresh air if things are getting too much. |
In moments like that, talking doesn't help sadly... I'm unable to express my thoughts clearly and I'm stubborn... reasoning with me is going to be badly hit and miss... and I've been triggered into a worse place in my head by doing it.
The wife (bless her... she wasn't trying to be malicious in anyway) is very religious and she made a flippant (maybe not flippant... was her belief and I guess she meant it in the way that she'd be sad we'd be separated) remark that was I to kill myself that we'd not be together in eternity as I'd be in hell.... well, I just exploded (verbally)... it did stop me from any further thoughts of dying at that time... but I was just so angry that she'd throw the hell card at me. Suffice to say there were tears and once I'd got my crap together I had to do a lot of repair work, explaining to her that I didn't mean to disrespect her faith or mock it/her in anyway.. just that, the wording shocked a response out of me and I would be grateful if we left spiritual debate alone when I'm having a bad attack.
Taught me a lesson to internalise even more... I know that's not a good thing... but I don't want irrational anger damaging relationships... being unhinged can do harm that I just don't want to inflict when my mental/emotional faculties aren't firing 100%.
As for the crisis team... was referred initially by my gp and they shrugged me off... I didn't meet the criteria for additional help. Might be because I don't self harm and I fluctuate in my depression.... can be very intense moments in the day or week... but then just emptiness which are periods I can manage and muddle through.
And so that's the situation I'm in... I know how it works... I've been there before. I will not be helped (hospital or whatever) until such time as a bout of irrationality makes me go all out... and depending on my environment, if anyone is around... could be simply a terminal result.
I was lucky the first time that I did take that plunge (the second time I had a moment of clarity and got myself help).... I was helped by an unexpected source... my dad, who was 100 miles away on the phone... tricked me and got the police to my location. I thought I'd been so clever by calling from a public phone booth miles away from where I lived... hadn't written a letter explaining why I was doing what I was doing... and though I was not close to either of my parents, I had a moment of concern to the impact it would have on my mum (they are separated)... so I called him, asking him very matter of factly to be there for her. He told me that his phone battery was dieing and that he needed to swap it over... and in that small period of hanging up, he called the police. Swore bloody murder at him when the cop car turned up
After that we became pretty close... and yeah... he was the one person who took everything in his stride and was a rock that didn't flinch when I needed him.
Only got myself to really rely on now... that's unfair I know on people like my wife... but I am the rock in some ways in our relationship.
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Independent Mental Health Advocate (IMHA): UK