I've been spending the day listening to Mozart's Requiem and feeling sad and afraid. Father Lindsay is seeing Richard on Wednesday. I've written Richard a letter in which I've made my feelings perfectly clear and why. If Richard wants to be my friend, great, but I don't want a sexual relationship with him. I have pretty compelling reasons for it too. And if Richard loves and respects me like he claims, he'll back off.

In case, he doesn't and this escalates, I'll know him for the kind of person he truly is, a predator who is interested only in his own pleasure and is willing to get it at all costs, even to the point of hurting a vulnerable human being who is unable to physically fight him off and who is intimidated by him. He will be so interested in his own pleasure that he is willing to add to my own considerable torment to get it.

Thankfully, I am not without allies. I may resent Dippy stepping in this strongly, offering to take me to the police station while I file a report, but she is being my friend. I have also made a duplicate letter to give to Father Lindsay and Doug, so if this escalates to the point of court action, Richard can't claim he never got the letter.

You see, I know all about the criminal justice system and stuff like DNA and restraining orders and stuff like that. While I am terrified to have to deal with this, I know exactly what I have to do to cover my rear.(although any other suggestions are welcome, fire them all off, I could use them.) First rule beingon't wash yourself after a rape, it destroys vital evidence.

If he decides to force himself on me, he will have a very hard time blaming my clothing for enticing him to do it. I don't have one lustful piece of clothing in my wardrobe and even if I did, Dippy has said she wouldn't put it on me.
He would have a hard time claiming consent for something that I sincerely believe would break every bone in my body. Of course his lawyers would try. I'm going to try and think of new and creative ways to protect myself. If this guy tries to hurt me, he's gonna wish he never heard of me.

He may have the strength advantage, but if I keep my cool, I can outwit this guy. All I have to do is stay in my wheelchair and I have the advantage.(The minute I leave it, I'm toast.)

All of this doesn't make me feel better of course. I feel like manure. Doug's coming down. I bought a disposable camera today so I could take some pictures. I look horrible, with the weight loss and all. I don't want to remember this time in my life, but I want proof that MY FRIEND came down here during the worst time of my life, to spend some time with me.

I played back the answering machine, just to hear his voice, a few times. I head him say something that made my heart melt. "Please don't be p*****d off at me." I don't want to hurt my friend like this. When I heard that, I just wanted to take him in my arms and gently rock him. Just keep him quiet if he's been crying over the past few days and just rock him. But I can't rock him of course. I'm trapped in this chair and this body.

I already feel horrible enough to want to give up the struggle. Now when Doug calls, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to keep my emotions in check any more. When he walks in the door, he's going to see the look on my face, he's going to be able to see the pain in my eyes.

I can do what I can to hide the pain of course. But he's going to be here for (hopefully) two days. I can stay off-line while he's here. I can leave the music off. I won't cuddle my bears. Basically, I'll avoid doing anything that may cause me to have an emotional response, and anything that would get him to respond to it. Rocking my bear in my arms like a small child would do something to him if he were here to see it, I would think. So I'll hide that from him.

Why? Because my father would have yelled at me for feeling like this and I expect the same reaction from Doug. I want to save myself from that ever happening again, so that's why I isolate mainly. I'm avoiding my father and people like him. I expect people to react like him.

I feel very dark, very sad. I'm sitting alone in the dark, listening to Mozart. I expect to come to a bad end, perhaps even at Richard's hands, or I won't ever win this battle and escape my pit of despair and sorrow. I want to be tenderly held and yet I can't tell anyone how badly I feel or how deep the pain goes.

I just don't want Doug to hurt any more. But I can ease his pain easier than he can ease mine.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.