I feel uncomfortable this morning. Not sure what is causing it but can't seem to find comfort within myself today. I was just writing and the word "Rejection" came to mind.

I mean what is it exactly? I wrote its a feeling of being left and wanting that someone so bad that every part of your body aches with yearning? Its knowing that no matter what I/you do it can never bring someone back who doesn't want to be back.

Its that feeling of wanting "them" more then they wanted "you". Its the shame of knowing that? Unyet still wanting them.

Its the feeling of being bottom of the heap in your wanting and the other being top in their "couldn't care less" feeling back toward you?

But I'm adult now? Would being rejected still be the worse thing that could happen? Haven't I got enought experience of WHO I AM to be able to deal with rejection now?

What if this person who walked away was to want me as badly as I feel I wanted them? would that be ok? Or is the act of wanting that I feed? Do I block out my today with fantasys of rejection? but why? is it safer to feel rejectec then to feel accepted? Does acceptence bring with it skills I do not feel I have?

Is opting for rejection an easy option? I don't know if I can keep my end up of an ongoing relationship? But isnt that what T and I are about?

Is that what she means when I ask her how "This" meaning me and her is helping me? and she replys "Its the ongoing you and I"

Oh I'd never looked at it like that? I only looked at it as me and her and me trying to keep her from going in fantasy. I dont concentrate on keeping us together. I dont understand what an ongoing relationship is for? How sad is that? Part of me is talking in my head now saying "Pfft who wants that intimate smarmy crap?" Only whimps need relationships. We're tough coz we can do it alone! But we can't our reality shows us we have human basic needs but we deny them!

Not sure I am ready to accept my own needs yet.