Last night I felt like going to the hospital. I'm feeling more in control today, so writing this scares me because I don't want to bring back how I was feeling last night and how I've been feeling lately.. I've become more afraid of things. Afraid that people are against me, afraid of police, the government, war, terrorism.. I've been having more intrusive thoughts that instead of being these small, easy to avoid thoughts, they are more in my face, more convincing and more confusing. confusing in the way that Im having a hard time distinguishing between my ill thoughts and whats rational. I've had suicidal thoughts during panic attacks and had the suicidal thoughts remain after the panic attack is over. Thoughts of cutting myself, hanging myself, drowning myself, jumping to my death, and taking all of my pills... I just cant seem to shake the thought that my mental state is going downhill. the worse I get the less I can do and the worse I get the more unpleasant I am to be around so the worse I get the more likely it is that the people I love wont want to be around anymore. the worse I get harder it will be to accoplish my goals.
My anxiety is daily. my panic attacks are several per week. my paranoia is slight but it wasn't there at all before. My anxiety/panic is mostly when I'm not in my apartment, whenever i have to be around people or go outside. especially on the bus. I hate having to wait to get off the bus. also it took me a couple weeks to get the courage to get my hair cut. my panic attacks have also been about getting worse and losing everything I love. being unable to care for myself and being a burden to my boyfriend. I just feel like I'm franticly trying to be normal and carry my own weight, not be a burden even though I feel like I can't manage my life. I just want to get back to normal.