She broke the ethical code previously (refused to give me medical information that I'm entitled to, in form of a document that states diagnosis etc., only agreed to send it to my next T, even tho these are private visits by my own initiative)
Also, story follows a few paragraphs down.

Feralkittymom, I'd give anything to find out if you're correct or if my action was justified. Story follows.



I'm not a (more-than-average) violent or manipulative person, I don't abuse women physically or psychologically. My conscience won't let me and I would take no pleasure in it.
I will however stand up for myself when I am under attack. And I don't always properly judge when I'm under attack.

There's a lot of abandonment and some abuse (towards me) in my past; it's all I can remember. To avoid receiving more of it I created no meaningful interactions with anyone for most of my adult life, just the bare-minimum superficial that's required for a job/studies.

I had to learn to rely on myself only and never depend on anyone for any reason: that's a weakness that others will exploit. For a period my survival literally depended on it.

The relationships I've had were primarily with abusive and controlling women. One in particular gained my trust and admiration for her intelligence, then progressively filled my head with negative input. The message became that I'm a horrible person and it's best for everyone that I kill myself. The method she used was interpretation - same as in therapy, but through her sick mind - twisting everything in the worst possible way (e.g. if I now would claim that you're all sadistic people that read this thread because you enjoy seeing me suffer - it's absurd but imagine if I had 100% of your trust and said that; mixed with, most of the time, clever and correct things).

So naturally trust is not something I'll give away easily. But this therapist gained it, so much of it!
She cared, was kind, empathetic and clever. It was wonderful, warm. I could rely on someone for the first time since forever. I didn't have that ever.
One thing she claimed sent always chills down my spine tho.
That "I must depend on her". I knew only the dictionary definition of dependence: that I must be weak, helpless, and subservient. That I can't rely on me but on her only.

This is the only meaning of the word I knew. I told her that it makes no sense that I should be like that, it's unhealthy. She threatened me and said therapy would not be effective otherwise, so I forced myself to believe her and adapt.

Now I know that what I thought she wanted is called 'dependent personality disorder'. That I'm worthless, she's some über-wise God, and I must listen to her always and only her.

I explained this many times. Maybe 50 to 100 in 2 years. That dependency I understand as addiction to heroin, I must avoid it. Please, explain what you mean, I begged. She always firmly refused. She avoided the question, twisted it, turned it around, distracted me - anything but telling me that there's a "good kind" of dependence also. I didn't know.

This made me so frustrated, so much cognitive dissonance. We fought so much on this topic. She just told me that it's not important if I disagree: I just must trust her more. So two years later I opened a psychology book (I'm in med school) and learned there are different kinds of dependence:

- substance dependence (bad)
- codependency (bad)
- dependent personality disorder (bad)
- dependency needs (good - this is what she meant - that some of our needs as humans can only be fulfilled by others: emotional intimacy, being seen and heard, belonging, being offered unselfish support,…)

This is what she intend to offer me!
It was a revelation.
For two years she let me believe that she wanted me addicted to hear like someone is to heroin! I know it sounds retarded but, I did not know of this "dependency needs", I grew up alone, I had no experience with them, I made it so very clear that I did not understand.


I deserved an explanation. I was entitled to it. So much suffering could have been avoided.
The situation with my ex repeated itself: gain my trust, then "poison" my mind (by letting me believe I must be weak, helpless, subservient).

The therapist herself then described herself as being blind to what needed to be done, admitted to the mistake.
Ok. And I was ready to forgive her. But I wanted a plan:

- this is why the mistake happened
- this is how we're going to repair the damage
- this is what we'll do to avoid it from happening again

So I gave her a week to gather her thoughts. Then I wanted to know if her actions constitute malpractice. To know if I should continue with her or not. I pay for this myself after all. She refused to answer because "it would prevent you from speaking about your feelings" - so manipulative!
Thus I asked politely, then demanded, that she lets me know what her supervisor thinks of this. She avoided the question, for 10 minutes, in different ways.

So I lost my temper. I needed to know: is it safe for me to continue with her or not?
So I got mad. I yelled "will you tell me or not ?!" , half stood up, and punched the table.

Now kindly someone tell me who I should blame here, and I'll accept the situation and work on it, but can't until I know.