Joking aside, I actually did do something that I'm not sure how concerned I should be about.

The past few months have been pretty rough going, but the past 2-3 days in particular I had been really struggling. When I woke up this morning, as soon as I opened my eyes it began again. Crushing despair, the feeling like it can never get any better, and thoughts dipping into a darker place. I remembered an interview I had seen a couple days ago where an actress explained how she has fears and anxieties that go away once she's on stage, because she stops being herself. She becomes that role, and that person she's playing doesn't have those fears and anxieties. I thought "I wish I could be someone else", and I truly meant it with all my very being.

Immediately after having that thought it felt as though my mind experienced a hiccup. As in a literal physical shift. It was like my brain was dropped, then caught a second later.

Right away those thoughts I had been having vanished. The despair vanished. Feelings of being stuck vanished. I had suddenly developed a new identity with a new name (I'll call it Pete here, though that's not the name). My mood became elevated as though I didn't have any problems in the world. After all, I don't. If I'm Pete, than all those memories of all those bad things belong to Trebyn (obviously Trebyn isn't my real name, but I had had that thought about my real one).

Thoughts about my life became "his" life. "His" meaning Trebyn. Like when I thought of my parents, I thought of them as "his parents". Memories became "events that happened to him". Deep down I knew that was me, but it was as though I had completely disassociated from the past 31 years, and it no longer mattered. As Pete those things weren't relevant.

Everything became new again, untainted by the experiences of the past. Walking into the kitchen and seeing the sunrise pouring in hit me differently. I saw that a sweater someone had left here had something on it so I brushed it off for them... previously I would have just left it because it was their problem, not mine. When I sat down at the PC I was amazed at how long the keyboard was.

Even as I'm typing this, I keep wanting to write "his" or "Trebyn's" in place of "I". The thing is, I feel really good, but I'm not crazy enough to think this is normal, or that it will last. I know what happened this morning was unusual, but I don't really know what happened exactly. Is it a psychotic break? A dissociative break? Or did I just succeed at what the actress was talking about in her interview and I've jumped into a role of my own creation?