The goodbye I should have made.

***

I had been searching for a long time for a reason to leave, my jealousy was merely a reason that I could grasp on to rather than trying to explain to you how no matter how nice you were I could never trust you. That I was constantly waiting for you to turn on me like a rabid dog.

I couldn't tell you that because I knew what would happen. You would twist it around and make me doubt myself even further.

I should never have let you back in the first time but you seemed so sincere and I didn't want to cause you any pain even though I knew that I could never bring myself to trust you. And you did try so hard. You were so nice but lets face it, the mask slipped. More than once. Don't think I didn't notice.

It's hard to accept that the man I fell in love with is an illusion but that's exactly what he was. You baited the hook and I kept on loving the man that replaced him in the hopes of the original returning. When he did it was too late and if I'm honest under suspicious circumstances. It hurts to think he was there all along and I just didn't deserve to see him, however as you can see I'm beginning to realise that's not necessarily the truth.

I'm guessing by the way you tried to reassure me that you would never abandon me that you finally decided to read up on BPD. Too bad it was too little too late. You had already abandoned me.

Some of the things I let you get away with were manipulative and borderline abusive. I'm not going to say you did it on purpose or that I didn't deserve it or that I wasn't as bad but I know that someone more emotionally functional than me would never have allowed that to happen.

You've left more damage than I ever truly realized but that's okay because as cliched as it is I'm stronger because of it.

You showed me my weaknesses and now the cracks you slithered in through will be studied and fixed. My walls are higher and stronger than ever. Thanks for that.

I hope you can find happiness in your life and I'm sorry that I couldn't help you with that.

You've been a big part of my life but now it's goodbye- for both our sakes.