I'm not making any progress. If I am, it's backwards. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I want desperately to pin it on something. Maybe if I knew that one thing I could squash it.

I keep imagining my brain suspended over a pool of despair, held up by many chains. Each day I feel like another chain has snapped and my brain is that much closer to falling into the pool.

I mean I'll have a few good days where I think I might be coming out of it. I'll manage a walk down the road while getting some sun and think "oh, this isn't so bad". Then I'll wake up the next day and think "ok, what the hell, I thought I was getting better. Now I don't want to get up. Get up Mage. Get up!"

I've had a pretty bad week. One night I got so agitated I felt like my body was vibrating all over. I couldn't stop picking at the tips of my fingers. I just could not calm down. I kept trying to pin it on something. Maybe it is the Gabapentin, I've read it can cause side effects. So what did stupid me decide to do? I just stopped taking it. I thought "I'm only taking 500mg a day anyway. Maybe I'll feel better if I just don't take it, then I'll know what to pin it on".

The following day was OK I guess. That night though, I didn't sleep worth a flip. I woke up feeling almost panicky. Great! Now what? So I decided I'd better take it. For some reason I had only been taking 1 capsule when I got up and then 2 in the middle of the day and then 2 more at night. I have no idea why I decided to do it that way. I thought maybe going 12 to 13 hours between my last 2 capsules and the 1 I was taking when I got up was causing the levels of the medicine to dip too much in my system. Usually by evening I was becoming pretty amped up. Taking my 2nd dose wasn't helping much if any. So for the past 3 days I've been taking it as directed: 2 caps, 3 times a day. I had hope that maybe that would work. Right now I feel bad. I took my 1st dose 40 minutes ago and I'm still waiting for it to kick in. I keep watching the clock.

I should mention that I've been taking Pristiq for a little over 4 weeks. I have often wondered if maybe the jittery feelings or shakiness might be due to it and maybe the Gabapentin just wasn't able to cover it all the time. I was on Prozac for 12 weeks prior to the Pristiq and I was not taking Gabapentin then. I got this same feeling many times on Prozac. It was like I just vibrated all over. I took Paxil for over 14 years before my pdoc switched me to Prozac. I never felt like this on Paxil.

I can't stand these feelings. I just want to go back in time to where I was ok. I'm tired of pushing this crap back. I feel like it's winning and I feel it's because of the medicine. I just don't know. I don't want to go back to my pdoc because it costs me $120 for a "med check" which usually lasts all of like 20 minutes and I have to drive for over an hour just to get there. And all he's doing is making me fill out some stupid survey and then throwing a different pill at me for which I have to wait 4 to 6 weeks to see if it's working. I need to get better! I need a job!! I need to move out of my parents house!!! How am I going to do that when I don't even want to get out of bed every day?

I you've gotten this far, thank you. I really needed to vent. I'm just fed up da**it!