I have bipolar disorder. Every time I have gone into the hospital I have embarrassed my self in the neighborhood and don't have the courage to show my face outside. I have relocated a lot with the help of my mother. Currently I'm on disability and so I have no work to socialize. I don't practice proper hygiene cause I figure if I am not going anywhere why bother. I am 34 whole years old!
My mother helps me with extra money and I talk to her daily for 5 minutes at a time. She is the only person I can call and I'm scared when she dies. She told me to go to church to meet people. Even if I walk the mile (I don't drive) I have only mustered the courage to go two times in nearly a year. If I do leave the house the neighbors literally make fun of me. The neighbor upstairs said "get back in your house" and laughed and when I looked at him with a scowl on my face he said "oh oh" and kept laughing. Another lady in the neighborhood when I was walking to get groceries( I don't drive at all) asked me why don't you go outside. I felt threatened like I was being watched. It made me even more upset.
I have asked people in email that I have associated with in the past what do I do. One person said pray. Another person said I'm sorry. Another person said exercise and lose weight you'll get your confidence back. I know it's not my confidence I know I'm being judged.
I have a dog I do not walk regularly because my clothes are either loose or tight and I am not presenting myself well. I feel horrible because she's all I've got and I read online that keeping a dog indoors is animal abuse.
I am being brutally honest. I will never be able to "love myself". I don't know if anyone else would even live like this. I walk to the grocery store to pick up light groceries and medication that's it. I don't even take the bus. I have been avoiding my life for years and this is my last stop I can't think of moving anymore. The only reason I can afford rent is this is my mom's condo and I am only responsible for the HOA. Otherwise I could never be able to afford anything on disability and I cannot live with a roommate my habits would drive them crazy.
I am being brutally honest and hiding nothing so if I do get advice even though I'm rambling I hope it's not love yourself and go out more. I don't know what else to say or think.