((gomf)),

I am sorry that you met a guy you liked a lot and were hurt and that triggered you to experience a PTSD cycle of reminders of someone who abused you. It "IS" confusing when someone is nice to us and seems caring at first and then they change when we either respond positively, or set a boundary, or even give in to their control where they abuse.

If I remember correctly, you are still young and when you meet guys your age and get attached like that, often these guys are very immature and not really ready to give you the kind of "responsible" and "caring" responses you are looking for. It doesn't mean they are out to abuse you either, or even that your abuser really "is" threatening you like you have been PTSD cycling about. What is taking place when you cycle like that is it means you are "feeling inadequate and confused" like you did when you were abused. Your brain is showing you what hurt you that caused that feeling of defeat and challenge. I experience that myself so I know how challenging it can be, in fact everyone who suffers from PTSD experiences that so you are not alone.

You did the right thing by talking about it too. It was good that you tried to be more open again, you got triggered into having a cycle so you need to be "patient" so you can work through it, because you "can" work through it and get so you see how it all fit into your being triggered and that you need to slowly realize the difference between this situation and the abuse you suffered. PTSD is like having a smoke alarm in your brain, it can go off when there is no real "fire" but only smoke from a candle burning where the smoke just got close to the detector and set it off, which your body responds to in a startle of "fight/flight" confusion. Well, at one time you did suffer a "real fire/trauma" so you are more sensitive and that means you need to have more patience with yourself and don't decide that you have to feed into the alarm, but instead give yourself time to calm down and think the situation through, which you "are" trying to do. However, it is important not to feed into those feelings of "unworthiness" because that just isn't going to help you "grow" past this episode and move forward.

This young man that you liked so much was being "honest" with you about not being "ready" to be "in love and commit to someone". That doesn't mean you failed somehow, he responded to you and was nice, but he just isn't ready to give you "or anyone" the commitment that he has not grown up enough to really be able to do in his life yet. As you move forward in your own growing up, you need to realize that other people your age will have different "lacks" of being mature and settled enough with themselves that they can just step up to the plate and fill your needs the way you want to happen to somehow help you overcome the bad experiences of being abused.

((gomf))), I just experienced a very challenging weekend myself and while it challenged my own very sensitive PTSD smoke alarm too, I was able to "slow down" enough to pay attention to other people in my world in a different way. Both my parents are hovering around the age of 90 years old and at that point most people, if they have the where with all, are looking back on their lives and thinking about all the things they survived through and learned. By sitting there and listening to both my parents, it just gave me a different perspective in how to think about people in general and how all the different things they experience in life affect them and the truth is, most people have their own personal challenges with "worthiness and fears" gomf.

While you are challenged gomf, the truth is it doesn't mean you are worthless and defeated or that you are unworthy of being loved and appreciated by others either, it doesn't mean you are stupid somehow either. The truth is "most" people are similar to you inside where they have doubts and insecurities and are not sure "how" to do different things or even how to genuinely "commit" in relationships with others be it in friendships or romantic relationships. What you need to understand is that just because a person is standing on a golf course with a putter in their hand and even is dressed to "play" golf, it doesn't mean they are actually "skilled at it enough to engage on a high level of using "developed skills" in that game. So here you are trying to dress the part too, but you know very little about how to play golf in a skilled way either and when you don't hit a ball right you immediately get embarrassed and feel like some kind of failure or that you are going to be hurt, when in reality the other person standing there and is being somewhat friendly to you also doesn't know all that much either. That is "the reality" of where you are right now at your age.

So, what really happened to you is you just went out onto a golf course and met a nice young man, you wanted him to teach you how to play golf, and you have experienced having someone you thought knew the game that didn't and abused you, and you wanted this young man to give you something the other person didn't. This nice young man was not ready to do that, and the real reason for that is because he doesn't really know all the much either, he was being honest with you about it, and your response went right to thinking about the person who didn't know how either and abused you. It isn't the "same" though ((((gomf's)))), the only thing that is happening is your sensitive "alarm" went off in your brain, but the truth is "it is not the same" only you haven't quite figured that out yet. That is not "your fault" and it certainly doesn't mean you are "unworthy" of moving forward and slowly learning how to develop better skills to play some golf either, or even get to a point further down the road in your life where you will know enough to find someone else that will appreciate you better because that person also knows more too.

((GirlofManyFaces))), you need to understand that you are on a golf course with others your age that really have not developed enough skills to play that game either and they want to, but they just don't have enough practice at it yet. When you meet up with someone that tells you that, it doesn't mean you are unworthy, it just means you met a nice person that was nice to you, but just can't play golf that well yet, that's all.

You need to "be patient" and learn to understand that and make sure that you don't feed into the feelings of "unworthiness" that PTSD presents. All people have these feelings from time to time just like you do, the only difference is that with PTSD, these feelings and challenges are "magnified" and it takes you more time to calm down, collect yourself work through it and again move forward and keep learning and growing.

Every single person learns by "doing" and it takes every single person time to learn different "skills" when it comes to relationships with others and understanding how to develop healthy bonds with others. It really is something that comes slowly to people, and everyone makes mistakes or tries too hard or takes on more than they are ready for or even gets hurt or set back at times, no one just automatically "knows how", it just doesn't work like that. We all actually keep learning about relationships and bonds and love and sharing and understanding others "all our lives". You are just learning just like everyone else is, you need to learn how to "not" beat yourself up when you run into these situations where you "struggle" like this and understand that it is really like this for "everyone". It "is" more challenging with PTSD, yes, I struggle with that myself, but it doesn't mean you are incapable of moving forward and still learning and growing.

((Hugs)))
OE