Thank you for the reply, it means a lot. I know that threads kind of run their course regarding views and responses… so though I didn’t want to make an additional thread, stayed calm and have not let the lack of notice take hold… and just use the thread for my own outpour… to get it into word.

Had two running images going through my head today… both sadly during the time when my dad was no longer really there, so dosed up on morphine and what other pain killing drugs they were pumping into him.

The first being him having what I could only equate to what someone with alzheimers would have – was convinced my mother had been at the hospice with him, that he needed to talk to her again… got so agitated (she hadn’t seen or spoke to him in about 7 years), I calmed him down, didn’t argue with him, just said that she wasn’t there at the moment but I could call her later if he wanted to speak to her… once he settled down, I did just that and bless her, my mum did a fantastic job (must have been hard for her, they had separated on bad terms).

The other, he had in fact gone. Those with me (his sisters and my wife) left the room to let me say my final goodbye. Was just so numb looking at him… didn’t recognise him at all, I just felt so detached, like what was in front of me was a mock up, a mannequin, where my dad should be … In addition to that I felt great regret for all of the things I had wanted to say… but never did.

Kissed him on the head, told him I loved him, turned and left.

Sorry for sharing all of that... not sure why I have. Reading it helps me to digest I guess.