After reading your posts and the others input I must say that I do respect you for trying to 'save' the marriage, even if, in the back of your mind, it may seem unsalvagable.

I also agree (sort of) with the poster who suggested you should have (shoulda woulda coulda, I know) perked up and gone for a walk with your wife after her passive aggressive attempt to get attention from you--and sorry, that's how I would have read it. That might have worked, but to what end, really? It might have bitten off the head of anger, but another grows back very quickly--and passive/aggressive is a learned response...if it works, she may continue to do that. I agree that (even tho I know you said you've both done it) counselling would be the way to go as doing it alone is not offering objectivity, which is something she's going to have to have to retrain herself to be more upfront with what she needs as a woman and a wife to be happy, so she can enjoy the marriage again.

I was a little concerned when you said prior to that situation, both of you had a sit down (more or less) and you told her how you felt, what was making you unhappy etc. Good, that's fine. Did you ask her what she felt? Because it appears, that after your comments she may have felt attacked and then after thinking about it became resentful--and her response was to passively/aggressively catch you out. Just a thought.

What really concerns me at the moment, tho..was your comment above...I realize your eldest may think something 'is up'...but it's not like she suspects there is no santa clause. 'Thinking' something is wrong is no leverage to accepting the awfulness of KNOWING, something is wrong between two parents, who show a good face daily. You say you don't argue in front of them, but I find that hard to believe--I'm not accusing. But arguing does not have to involve words. Often a sidelong glance, a unsuspecting scowl, a sigh as you walk away or glistening eyes from held back tears, speak volumes. In fact, all of that screams, something is terrible...something is dangerous...something is about to destroy my world, to your children.

Children are better actors than adults give them credit for, which is why so many of us are so f**ked up now. Because the grown-ups had no clue how they were damaging us (if they even cared to know) because children can put up a better face of denial than parents can.

So my advice, for what it's worth....make your mind up as soon as you can, and then make sure your children are always in the loop of any decisions you and your wife make. BOTH of you need to provide a united, solid front, because if you DO decide to seperate, pending divorce, your kids will not only feel devastated by this decision, they will feel totally betrayed by the actions both you and your wife are commiting right now by pretending all is well in their fragile world.

I would save them that. And both of you the repercussions of hurting them that much.

Take care