Quote:
Originally Posted by soccerdad
Alright here we go
first a little background on me. I'm 35 and I'm a father of 3 girls - 16, 10, 8 - and I have been married for 11 years now (together longer). My marriage is not entirely satisfying to me though. My wife has an explosive temper and she is constantly blowing up at the smallest things (mostly between her and our teenage daughter) and it creates stress that I don't believe needs to be there. We really don't share any interests and we can't have any deep conversations because if we disagree she ends up getting angry with me because "I just can't see things from her point of view". One more thing is since we have gotten together she has put on nearly 100lbs. I know this should not matter but I believe that I need to take care of myself so she has something to proud of and I wish she felt the same. I realize that having children takes its toll but its been almost 9 years. She just doesn't seem to have any want for self improvement and that bleeds into our marriage in that she doesn't think it needs improving.
Despite all of this we remain together. I was a child of divorce and always told myself that I wouldn't do that to my children so I have just waited things out with the hope that our situation would improve. I have talked to her repeatedly about the issues in our relationship to no avail until almost 2 years ago. That is when I had an affair. Long story short I cheated with another woman and carried on a pseudo relationship for a few months. The other woman was aware I was married and had kids. We had very strong feelings for each other and were convinced we were going to be together.
My Wife found out and to keep it neat and tidy I broke it off with the other woman and my wife and I decided to work on the marriage. We went to counselling and got to the heart of the issues that I had been talking about and things got better. She was more sensitive to my feelings about her temper and even sought counselling for it. Things were looking up. For a while.
Recently things have begun to go downhill again and I find myself talking to that same other woman again. Now this other woman isn't a random person I met in a bar. It is someone I have known since she was 13. We were always close but she is 5 yrs my junior so we never got into a relationship. Other things happened but because of the age difference being together just wasn't an option at the time. I had no contact with her when I met my wife but sure enough, the morning of my wedding I was outside my moms house with my best man when she drove by and stopped. She asked why I was dressed up and I told her and the pain in her eyes was obvious. We have since talked about that and she told me that she always thought we would be together. To be honest I had those same thoughts but dismissed them. Since re-connecting we have re-discovered those feelings and found they burn hotter than we even knew.
To sum everything up here I am at a crossroads. I don't want to end up as that man who stayed for the kids but when the kids finally left ended up being miserable. I am not old by any means but I feel that if I keep working on my marriage I could wake up an old unhappy man but I am afraid that if I leave I could end up alone anyways. I am usually very strong and am the person people seem to trust when they need advice but right now I am scared and I don't know what to do.
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i have been following this thread for some time now & admit this is one that really made me think deeply.
i am a firm believer in the institution of marriage & it is very rare that i advise anyone to get out/divorce. I see that your situation is not a good one and i doubt seriously that your marriage can be saved(unfortunately).
i am willing to wager 11 yrs ago at the young age of 24 it's a good bet you had no idea of the ramifications of marriage at that time(few people do!).
i'm going to try to start at the beginning here and go down the line,IMHO
several mistakes were made here and i will point them out strictly for reflective purposes( i'm not going to demonize you for any of your decisions..simply point them out where they have added to your dilemma)
I believe that few of us are emotionally mature enough to understand the gravity of the commitment of marriage at the age of 24 IMHO, this was your first error. some may disagree and that's fine..but the divorce rate in this country speaks for itself..i will leave it at that. you are older and wiser now and surely you will learn from this experience.
numbers two and three are the fact that the two of you don't share any interests, and you cannot have any deep conversations...i assume this was the case 11yrs ago as well..and you guys still got married. bad move.
It is also unfortunate that you guys cannot seem to agree to disagree, that creates a toxic environment for children to grow up in..not a good thing my friend by any stretch of the imagination.friendly and lively debate is good for a marriage, explosive blow ups finger pointing and name calling toxic, very toxic.
the fact that your wife put on 100 pounds is troubling to say the very least, i believe both partners owe it to themselves and to each other to keep themselves in reasonably good health(factors they can control), reasonably good appearance and good hygiene..a marriage is no excuse to just "lets yourself go" it's not good for yourself or your partner, nor is it fair to either.
the fact your wife does not want to improve is very troubling indeed..so i guess that puts us now at point #6 then. I can understand your dismay at the situation but i can assure you that cheating on your wife DEFINITELY won't make the situation improve, only worsen it and destroy what little of the relationship that is left..and the fact that she found out is the final nail in the coffin so to speak, in reality..your marriage is over..it is only a marriage on paper now.
i too am a child of divorce, my parents divorced when i was 16..it was devastating to me as a child..but i wish the had done it sooner, so i could adjust...so i could get ready for adulthood. i had no time to deal with it 16 divorce..bam 18 on my own in this big bad place we call the world
you need to be honest with your kids and prepare them for the inevitable,
fact is your marriage is toast..simple as that...i have little faith it can be revived. If my parents would have sat me down and explained to me and my brother what was happening and why, i would have been able to adjust to it much better, instead bam that's it one day my dad leaving packed all his things and he was gone..off to be with his new wife. no warning whatsoever from either of them..you don't drop a bomb on a young kid like that..but, they did.
as far as this other woman..i would take it slow if i were you, everything is golden now, but when the rigors of day to day life and responsibilities kick in..she may not be what you think she is. IMHO people are good at sending out their "representative" for the first 6 months or so..then all the sudden the real them shows up..leaving you thinking "hey this isn't what i signed on for!!"
i understand you have known her quite a while, but you have NEVER lived with her, you can never truly know what you are getting till you live with someone.
so to sum up
1) you need to get out of this marriage..it pains my heart to say this..but you need to get out.
2) you need to be honest with the kids and explain to them what's happening, no BS'ing and pretending everything is fine..i'm sure they are picking up on it anyways and they will appreciate you guys honesty.
3) WHATEVER you do DO NOT rush into another relationship, if you want to keep seeing this other woman i would advise you to do so sparingly, don't set yourself up for failure again.
4) be civil about the divorce process, the last thing the kids need is flame wars between the parents..even if the wife is explosive.take the high road, your kids will respect you for it.
so that's where i'm at with this & that's my advice..sometimes it's better to part ways, i'm not a fan of having to give you this advice..really i'm not, i believe when you get married you are supposed to stay married..but your situation is just too far gone and you cannot hope to do it all by yourself, now of course you wife is not here to defend herself so all i have to go on is what you say..so i'm sure in reality you do share some of the blame my friend..i do not believe you are an angel in all of this. but from where i am sitting, unfortunately this is a union that CANNOT be saved and prolonging the inevitable will only hurt the kids even more, spare them the pain my parents did not spare me..please do... they deserve it.
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I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
