This is why people get on antidepressants & see therapists. They have reached the point where they simply can't do it alone. It sounds like you've reached that point, Bluegirl. There's no magic wand for this sort of depression. Reach out to someone you trust. Ask for help. Or, if there is no one you can reach out to, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or another similar organization. They're there to help with any problem. You don't have to be in danger to call. They can help you get hooked up with needed services. And keep posting here on PC. The more you post, & reply to others' posts, the more you'll get from the time you spend here. Sometimes just writing about your concerns can be helpful all by itself.